Friday, June 19, 2009

Jon and Kate's Big Announcement: My Theories

By now, everyone with cable has heard that there is a big Jon and Kate announcement coming this Monday. I've been boycotting the show for a while, but based on what I've seen on the supermarket tabloid racks, I have a few theories on what these two plan to spring on us.

  • Kate plans to get rid of the dogs and instead use her super-sized property for a chicken farm. Between camera shots of Kate feeding the chickens, they will be cared for by one of the children’s nannies or her hottie-biscotti bodyguard. She will claim that she was inspired after noticing that her backward mullet looks surprisingly like a chicken’s tail end, and call the farm “organic” despite feeding the fowl a mixture of Juicy Juice, Lay’s potato chips and Domino’s pizza.
  • The house is so big it feels empty with just ten. This has inspired Kate to invite some family friends to visit—the Octomom and her brood of 14.
  • After being fined by the EPA for a garbage output that rivals that of a small European nation (Jon has to use his tractor to take out their weekly trash--no joke!), the Gosselin family will begin using real plates and cups.
  • The Gosselins will be homeschooled beginning this fall to accommodate their sixty hour per week filming schedule. Kate wants to use one of the Duggar girls, but Jon knows a local 23-year-old teacher who would be perfect for the job.
  • In yet another crossover special, the guys from The Deadliest Catch show up with a crabbing boat for each Gosselin kid.
  • Because former sponsors Gymboree and Baby Gap have been scared off by the scandals, Hot Topic will now be providing the children’s wardrobes. Maddy spends the show choosing between black and navy blue lip gloss, while the sextuplets run amok in coordinating AC/DC t-shirts and Converse All Stars with glittery skull appliqu├ęs.
  • And, in a perfect world… Jon and Kate have decided to quit the show and live comfortably for the remainder of their children’s youth on the millions of dollars they earned last year. They claim that their marital problems combined with the children’s increasingly bad behavior led them to realize that they need to refocus their lives. They move quietly to another area and lead simple, happy lives.

What do you guys think? Are Jon & Kate tacky enough to broadcast a separation or divorce? Is TLC? Will companies sponsor this (except Hot Topic LOL)? Heaven forbid, are they going to show the parents breaking it to their eight children?


Carrie said...

I bet the big announcement won't be much of anything. Just a big build-up to get people to watch.

Emily the Great and Terrible said...

That's true.. but I won't be one of them.

I think when people watch this show, they are helping children be exploited and helping a marriage fail. These kids are working sixty hour weeks, and the parents getting more money and fame than they can handle. That will put a strain on any relationship!

Anonymous said...

I think it is comments like the one on your blog that have been one of there biggest problems all along. Assumptions, your comments like many others amount to only gossip. Hmmmmmmmmm, I wonder what there lives would have been like if people would have simply watched what they put out there and kept the gossip and speculation to themselves?/

Emily the Great and Terrible said...

Hmmm. When you start selling your family's dirty laundry to Time magazine, I think you have crossed the "reasonable expectation of privacy" line.

I think people originally watched and didn't speculate--wasn't a lot to speculate on. Unfortunately, money destroys people. I hope for these children's sake that everyone stops watching and lets the show die out. The parents have made millions; that should be enough to keep cereal in the cupboard for the next 13 years. Especially if one of them (egad!) got a job.

SkippyMom said...

I just wanted to say I read your comment on the "Gosselinswithoutpity" site today regarding Kate lying about feeding the family organic and I APPLAUD YOU.

You have every right to be offended when people berate you for quesitoning her claims and for her doing it.

I wish you the best of luck. I admire what you are doing [We are a family of 8 too - but 4 of the kids are out of the nest now :( ]

Take care. [PS Love the name! and I don't watch J&K anymore]