Killing Us Softly, Part 1: Germaphobia

If you sent an alien with no Earthling experience whatsoever to the United States, they would probably be appalled. Although we seem on the surface to be the most health conscious culture ever to roam the Earth, we are literally killing ourselves. This series looks at how our well meaning actions and well thought out decisions are taking years off our life spans... and those of our children as well.

Americans love to declare war on things. Even if you are a staunch pacifist, you are probably all for the war on drugs and the war on homelessness. Our most costly war in the end may be the war on germs.

Shows exposing the generally germiness of American homes abound on the television. The aisles at Target, WalMart, and even Whole Foods have a veritable arsenal of products to eradicate these germs. Some of these products, especially those that are explicitly marked anti-bacterial, never break down, instead being carried to waterways where they kill the good bacteria that maintain our ecosystems and even act as poisons themselves. Parents who would rather soak their children in a cocktail of dangerous chemicals (most bubble baths) get a little worried about kids playing in dirt, especially if they may be accidentally ingesting it.

Germaphobia doesn't just allow us to feel good about filling our homes and our planet with toxic chemicals, it keeps us from exploring our natural habitat: the great outdoors. Remember how kids used to play outside all the time? Remember how rare obesity was back then? Now, children are sat in front of electronic devices that rob their muscles and their brains in one fell swoop.

If you are worried about your kids getting dirty, it may actually be beneficial to their health. Recent studies show that nematodes, little wormy critters that live in almost all dirt, may actually immunize children against seasonal and food allergies. If you've ever wondered why so many kids have severe allergies now, a lack of early exposure to filth may be your answer. In fact, a lack of nematode exposure has been linked not just to allergies, but to asthma, diabetes, multiple sclerosis, and Crohn’s disease, all diseases that have taken a sharp rise in our ultra-clean society.

We don't just want clean, germ-free houses; we want clean, germ-free bodies. In come antibiotics for every sniffly nose. Unfortunately, by overusing antibiotics and/or using them the wrong way, we are training bacteria to survive antibiotics, creating new killer strains that will crush our weakling immune systems like a schoolyard bully against the president of the first grade chess club.

The truth about germs is that almost all of them are harmless or even actually good for us. Even with the less than 0.1% that aren't, most of these 'harmful bacteria' will only make us sick enough that we come out ahead in the end--with a stronger immune system that can fight off the really bad germs, like anthrax and MRSA.

Don't think this means being a total slob. I'm all for clean houses and clean hands. However, soap and water have been found to do a fine job and don't kill healthy bacteria or poison our streams. Natural cleaners require a little more elbow grease sometimes, but I'm not exactly wasting away. This is an easy way to create a cleaner house and a cleaner world. Just repeat: Germs are friends, not enemies.

Cheap and Organic Food

I know I've written something like this before, but just to re-iterate:

A few ways to wedge organic food into a tight grocery budget...

1. Know your priorities. There are lists all over the internet with the top pesticide-containing produce. Find them and buy organic where your money will have the most health benefits

2. Give up junk food. Seriously, as long as you have money for soda and energy drinks and Cheetos, you have money to replace a few key items with organic counterparts. Junk food may fill your stomach and appease your pallate, but in nutritional terms you may as well be swallowing styrofoam. It is a powerful addiction, so be prepared for a difficult weaning process.

3. Look in unconventional places. Our local bread outlet has Bob's Red Mill organic mixes (like for soup, pancakes, muffins, etc) for ultracheap prices. A local health food store has bulk bins where there are plenty of organic whole foods on sale for less than $2 per pound. The Grocery Outlet can be a wonderland of organic goodies like spaghetti sauce and frozen fruit.

4. Look for free sources. This can be as simple as a friend who needs an outlet for her excess zucchini, or a few fresh herbs growing in pots on your kitchen sill. Tomato plants will grow just about anywhere in the summer, and some varieties produce so much you'll be giving them away... or making homemade sundried tomatoes for those long winter months.

5. Check out mail order companies like Azure Standard and the old favorite Amazon.com. Both have certain conditions under which you can get free shipping, making them a truly awesome deal.

We know that Wild Oats and Whole Foods are super pricey, so don't let that scare you away from a healthy choice. Stay out if they don't fit your budget and find places with better choices for your family.

Jon and Kate Minus Me

When I first got cable, Jon and Kate Plus Eight was one of my favorite shows. I also have a large family, four children and four stepchildren. I appreciated Kate's coupon clipping, yard saling, and constant quest for affordable organic food. This family is supposed to be different--that's why they have their own show--but I liked them because they seemed a lot like my family and the other large families I am close to.

However, after I watched the show for a while, cracks began to appear in Kate's faux finish, and I realized that certain things just didn't make sense. They aren't at all like a normal large family. Here are just a few of the differences:

1. The children are violent with each other, and neither parent seems to care. When you are caught up in how cute they are--and they are indeed beautiful children--you don't notice. After a while, you notice that the older kids are always slapping around the younger ones, and that the younger kids are always hitting each other. Once I saw Kate hit Jon, I realized that the kids are getting this from their parents. There is no respect for each other in this family--none at all. I've been looking. I feel sad for them.

2. For all the talk about organics, you never actually see anyone eating them, or anything healthy for that manner. Instead it's a constant line up of packaged snacks and sugary juices. The parents are always calling these things treats, but it's all you see the kids eating.

3. Individual identities are discouraged. There are a lot of multiples in my family, and while they look cute in matched outfits on holidays, it is devastating to a child's personal identity to be forced into wearing the same outfit as their four sisters every single day. Everything these kids own is identical to their siblings, and chosen by their mother or a sponsor. Forced may seem like a harsh word, but do you think small children honestly don't want to pick out their own toys, books, and extracurricular activities.

4. They aren't allowed to be kids. Mom specifically forbids messy activities. Crayons--rarely. Television--always on. Markers--absolutely not, not even when they are at a Crayola museum. Wii--whenever they want. Kate is a self admitted germaphobe, dirtaphobe, and you never see her letting the kids mess their hair much less get really dirty. It's a backward way of raising little people, who need to explore and get their hands in things. Dirt is good for children, and excessive cleaning keeps mothers from being present in the kids' lives.

5. They are the opposite of green. Everything they own is new with tags and things are replaced regularly. There is a constant parade of clothing, toys, cars, and even houses. Now they are in a mansion with acres of lawn. It's just a little excessive, especially considering that the parents speak at churches talking about their financial hardships, raking in hundreds of thousands of dollars in donations every year.

6. They are very immature for their age and neither parent seems concerned. Their speech, the use of pacifiers and loveys, their motor coordination, etc, all seem more typical of a two year old than a child about to enter kindergarten. I wonder if this is due to problems at birth, or if parents and producers are encouraging them to stay younger and cuter as long as possible.

7. The children never have privacy. I have seen many reality shows, and this is the first one where you see children going to the bathroom, bathing, and other intensely personal activities. I can imagine how much this will suck when the sextuplets go to school and all of their classmates have video of them pooping on the bathroom floor. I wonder if this level of exposing children in intimate areas of their lives is even technically legal. I would love to have my own reality show, but there would be boundaries.

I worry for these kids, especially with rumors surrounding Dad's behavior. I know how vicious rumors can be, but I also know that I am one of many viewers who stopped watching the show a season or so ago because something just isn't right with this family.

Fresh Garbanzo Beans

A local ethnic market has fresh garbanzo beans on sale. I am a HUGE legume eater, but I had no idea what to do with these beauties.

A little research revealed the following:

1. They are a very neglected vegetable in the internet recipe world.
2. They can be eaten raw or steamed, in both cases tasting a lot like edamame.
3. In the Middle East, they are steamed, mashed, and mixed with spices to make a tasty, bright green hummus.

Because they are similar to edamame, I plan to steam them, then toss them with sauteed mushrooms and noodles along with a little sesame oil and sriracha sauce. This should make a healthy, high protein vegan meal, perfect for a Lenten Friday supper. I'll let everyone know how it comes out!

Tia Always Makes Me Look Bad

Here I am going to school to save lives, but my good friend Tia (the one on the right) found a more immediate way, and one that does NOT require knowing every intermediate of the Krebs cycle. She's running in a half marathon and raising money to cure leukemia, lymphoma, and other cancers.

Check out her page and give her cause some money, or at least a few good wishes.

Staying Active in a Sedentary Economy

Last week my whole family (except me--I've already missed too much school) took a day off and went skiing. A friend asked how we can afford to do this. I had to think for a while, because we don't have a lot of expendable income but we do find the money for skiing, biking, and various sports. In the end, I think it comes down to priorities.

We don't buy movies, CD's, books, and other entertainment products. We haven't gone out to dinner for more months than I can count off the top of my head, and even our at-home meals tend to be simple, third world cuisine. My husband and I share a cell phone and truly have it for emergencies only, with few minutes and a monthly cost of under thirty dollars. I can't remember the last time I bought a cup of coffee.

We are very much a no frills family, which leaves us with income for some bigger endeavors, like skiing. We do everything we can to keep skiing affordable--buying season passes when they are on sale, passing down and refurbishing old equipment, carpooling to the nearest ski area, bringing our own lunches. I think we would give it up if if were truly a hardship, as well as other outdoorsy luxuries we currently indulge in, but it would be one of the last things to go.

The economy sucks, but it isn't slowing most people down when they hit the mall. Americans complain about credit card bills and unfair interest rates, but everyone keeps adding to their balance. All those little things add up to not being able to do the big things that really matter. Now more than ever, it's important to keep those little expenses under control.

Living simply isn't just good for the planet, it's good for your budget. It's good for your kids to consciously give up things that complicate their lives in exchange for things that enrich them. Every cart full of miscellanea at Target costs the same as a ski trip for my family. That's enough to take the fun out of impulse shopping for me.

Cheap and Easy Veggie Burgers

This recipe makes six to eight decent sized burgers.

1 cup diced veggies--cooked ones seem to work best
1 cup cooked rice
1 cup cooked beans, any kind
1 egg
2 Tbsp bread or cracker crumbs
salt, pepper, and other spices of your choice
oil for cooking--about 2-3 Tbsp total

Mix rice and beans, mashing them as you mix. Mix in vegetables, egg, and spices. Use your hands to shape the mixture into balls. Roll the balls in bread crumbs, then flatten against your palms. Fry in a medium skillet for 2-3 minutes per side, until done. Serve on whole wheat rolls.

Obedience Is Over-Rated. And Under-Rated, Too.

If you look at many child-raising books, obedience is a huge issue. Getting your children to do what you say, when you say it, and the exact way you tell them to seems to be a much written about subject.

Natural parenting sorts like me tend to bristle at these types of books. Personally, I think blind obedience is over-rated. I don't want my kids to be blind followers. I want them to be free thinkers who do the right thing after evaluating it and coming to their own conclusions. If anyone, be it a totalitarian government or a pedophile, tell them to do someing that is wrong for them, I want them to feel comfortable in bucking authority.

Unfortunately, this can lead to complications in the running of a home. I want my kids to question authority, just not my authority. I don't want to spend hours explaining why they should go to bed or clean their room. I have a bunch of smart kids, and they would jump on that bandwagon as soon as it appeared on the horizon. Further, when I tell them to get out of the road or stay away from that dog, safety demands immediate compliance. I know a lot of kids who are just rotten little brats because they can never just do what they are told, and this isn't setting them up for career or academic success.

My plan, which so far seems to work, is this:

1. People in my home, including the children, should be respectful, responsible, and fun to be with.

2. I am willing to discuss the fairness of everyday tasks such as chores, bedtimes, etc, on occasion, but in a respectful way and at an agreed-upon time. I will not discuss bedtime at bedtime, or the fairness of one child setting the table while I am getting dinner ready. I will not cater to whining.

3. No one should ever do anything that hurts or makes them uncomfortable. Eating vegetables does not qualify.

4. When in doubt about whether to obey, ask another adult.

I guess the key is to keep lines of communication open and to avoid forms and amounts of discipline that would make the child fearful. Obedience is definitely expected in my home and in life in general, but one shouldn't shut down their own moral compass.

$5 Dinners

This week is going to be a busy one. It's the last full week of this quarter, and several illnesses and household emergencies have sunk my grades to a level where I really need to step it up. Because I don't foresee a lot of spare time for cooking in my immediate future, I am making a huge pot of pinto beans today. This will be stashed in the fridge to make five half-hour-or-less dinners this week:

Saturday: vegan refried beans and Mexican brown rice with fresh corn tortillas and a green salad
Sunday: having dinner guests, so I'll actually cook
Monday: Cuban beans (wrong type of beans... oh well) and rice, more corn tortillas, miscellaneous fruit
Tuesday: Boston baked beans, sourdough garlic toast, salad
Wednesday: Chili with vegetables in it (it's that simple... I just add whatever diced vegetables we have and they cook down into the chili mush), brown rice, cole slaw. We like to put brown rice in the bowl and ladle chili over that. It tastes yummy and makes a complete protein.
Thursday: homemade veggie burgers on whole wheat buns, baked sweet potato fries, miscellaneous fruit. The veggie burger recipe will be up on Thursday.

Tuition is due in a week, so we're basically using up everything in the fridge for the next few weeks. Be prepared to see my dinners get more and more creative. However, we never compromise health or environmental friendliness!

On a related subject, I'm loving former Blog of Note $5 Dinners. This is about my price range as well, and I like to see the fun, healthy, and sometimes even organic recipes the author posts. Many, such as the Moussaka, can be easily transformed into even cheaper vegan or vegetarian versions.

I found this blog after deciding to post my own $5 dinner every Thursday. I'll to keep up with it so there aren't too many similar ideas. Several readers have emailed me wondering why a green blog has so many food posts. Food is a huge environmental issue now. If you are like most Americans, it takes more fuel to transport your food to your local grocery store than it does to power your SUV. Changing to easier-to-transport vegetarian options and local, in season fruits and vegetables can have a huge impact on your health, your grocery budget, and your carbon footprint.

The Clothes on Your Back

My six year old put on her favorite shoes yesterday and found that they were a little tight. She tried another pair--also too small. And so on. Her shoe wardrobe dwindled overnight from an excessive 9 pairs (!!!) to a barely adequate 2. Don't ask me how her feet can grow more than one size in twelve hours. It seems to be the general growth pattern in my home, but it never ceases to amaze me.

Usually when my children outgrow something, I go to the boxes of clothing in our boiler room and find a replacement. We call it 'shopping in the basement'. As I find good deals throughout the year, I stash them in boxes for when we need them. There are a few new things in there, but it's mainly hand-me-downs and thrift store bargains. Anyway, there were no cold weather shoes in Grace's new size. Because it would be a small miracle to find a suitable, like-new pair of size 12 girl's athletic shoes in one of Yakima's three thrift stores this weekend, I may actually be forced to buy something new.

I don't often have to buy new things for my kids, so this is an unusual situation for me. Buying used absolves me of being socially or environmentally responsible for the who, what, when and how of our garments. Now I have to wonder: Should I buy leather shoes, which tend to be more durable and comfortable, when the entire leather industry is more than a little disturbing? How can I make sure Grace's shoes and the materials with which they are made are not produced in some sweatshop manned by third world toddlers?

Then there is the economic aspect of the situation. High quality shoes in my area seem to run in the forty dollar or more range, a small fortune compared to the five dollar limit I normally impose on children's clothing. People look at me like I am a crazy woman when I tell them this, but my most recent under-five bargains include a like new Columbia parka with zip-in fleece liner and new-with-tags Stride Rite shoes for my son that someone apparently bought for sixty dollars but never wore. The average American family spends $624 per year on one child's clothing and even more for adults. We spend somewhere between $50 and $100 per month total for six of us. This includes everything from school clothes to shoes to ski clothing.

If I have to buy Grace's shoes brand new, it will make the third new clothing item I have bought her since her birthday last June. This seems to be the trend in my family. Rachael has received a brand new pair of ski pants and two winter hats this year, while Tyler needed a pair of PE shorts and two pairs of new shoes. Malcolm didn't get anything new; he's still even wearing last year's socks and underwear. Everything else is used, often free. We try to keep things in nice shape and be generous with our hand-me-downs to keep the circle of giving in good working order.

If you give a kid a nugget...

...she's going to want more nuggets.

Here's a project for you: Find a mom who feeds her kids a steady diet of processed lard and salt, and ask her why. She will probably say that they won't eat anything else. It's an answer, but it isn't the true answer. My kids don't demand hot dogs or mac'n'cheese for dinner every night, and it isn't their great manners that keep them from doing it. It's because they are used to eating healthy, whole foods. Like almost all people, children resist the unknown.

If you want the real answer, you'll have to ask the real question, which why she started feeding them the unhealthy food in the first place. She may cite price, which is interesting because whole foods are so much cheaper per serving and per pound. However, I'm willing to bet that time has a little bit to do with it.

This is why I am going to start posting an easy, fast, and vegetarian dinner every Thursday. As a working mother/college student, time is not exactly in abundance. I find that vegetarian meals can be faster and tastier once you get used to working with the different ingredients. Like the majority of my family's vegetarian meals, I plan to post meals that are nutritionally complete and cost five dollars or less for a family-sized main dish. Here is my first:

Sweet and Spicy Lentils
Cooking Time: 30 minutes
Hands-On Time: Less than 10 minutes

3/4 cup lentils (I like the red ones, but any will do)
1/2 onion, minced
1 clove garlic, minced
tiny bit oil (olive is yummy)
1/2 tsp ground cumin
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 cup orange juice
3/4 cup water

1. Put the lentils in a bowl of water to soak in the morning.
2. When you begin making dinner, drain the lentils. Prepare the onion and garlic and saute them in the oil. When they are translucent, add all of the other ingredients.
3. Bring to a boil, then turn down the heat and simmer uncovered for about a half hour, until lentils are soft.

**Note**This varies according to how old the lentils are. Older lentils will cook more slowly and require more water, so check every few minutes.

I usually serve this with brown rice (making it a complete protein), toasted bread, and a green salad. If you get things on sale, this entire meal can be made for under $5.

I Love the Whole World

In case you ever wonder why you work so hard to preserve this crazy home of ours...



The first time I saw this, I was in tears. It really is an amazing place.

The Unbeatable, Eatable Pet

Who could ever have guessed that livestock flatulence would become a public health issue? Think about this the next time you are enjoying a cheeseburger: cows are one of the least eco-friendly agricultural products. They take immense amounts of space, and are almost singlehandedly causing global warming with their methaneous farts. Even organic, grass fed cattle are culprits.

I like beef and milk as much as the next person, which puts me in a rough position. How can I shovel Mongolian Beef into my mouth without feeling just a little guilty? Miniature cattle just may be a solution to this dilemma.

Miniature cattle are the latest rage among socially conscious farmers. These miniature cows have better "feed conversion" (which means they use less feed per pound of meat) and thus need less space per pound as well. They create less methane gas, which is a major cause of global warming. Plus, they're super cute... which then again may not be a good thing when you consider why they are being bred and raised.

Helping Those Who Can Help Themselves

It's one of my pet peeves, and I wish I could understand why.

First, I would like to say that I am not a stingy person in general. I like giving. It makes me happy and puts me at peace.

However, I am getting a little ticked off about this economic stimulus bill, and government programs in general. I struggle to pay my tuition and other expenses, while classmates who don't have jobs get their nails done with public funds. A friend who goes to my college makes as much as my husband and I--without anyone in her house actually working. All scholarships, grants, and other public funds. When I'm looking at my third all-night writing session in a row while they lie in their cozy beds resting up for the early morning lecture, it's hard to see them as disadvantaged compared to me, and it infuriates me to know that medical schools will. You see, having a "low income" (scholarships and government funds apparently don't count) will make them a priority candidate, eleigible for more scholarships and public funds, while those of us who are working our way through college will be seen as having an advantage.

One of my teachers said that most people on financial aid are not living an extravagant lifestyle. It's hard to believe this when you walk by the financial aid office on the first day of school and see the long line of professional highlights and Coach purses. Not that I have anything against either. It's just that I have given up those things and just about everything else to pay my tuition... and theirs.

Anyone can do what I do. Copy writing is not an art; it's a J-O-B. If someone wants to be 'advantaged' like me and work all night the night before their trig test, they can absolutely do it. I can refer them to people who will give them all the work they can handle. And then they can pay for their own tuition instead of buying the latest iPhone and see how the other half live.

That sounds meaner than I intend it, so I hope my dear readers will understand what I am trying to say here. I have nothing against people who need help getting it. I just resent paying for toys and allowing people to not work simply because they think they have better things to do.

The C Is Silent.

This is my Bio professor. His name is Jerred Seveyka. We call him just 'Seveyka' behing his back. To his face, I don't call him anything because he doesn't seem like the 'Mr.' type (and he's my age...), but calling him by his first name seems too familiar. So I just raise my hand or walk up to him and wait for him to acknowledge me, which I hope isn't as creepy as it sounds.

This is his blog. Apparently he plays guitar? Cnido-site is a play on words, btw. Very witty for a man who wears white tube socks with black dress shoes and faded jeans. Seriously, though, he's cool, although he'd be cooler if he graded on a modified curve.

http://seveyka.blogspot.com/

I've only read a few posts, but Seveyka has a gift for making boring subjects tolerable. This is a great place for homeschoolers and people who just love coral to find out more about the beautiful briny sea and all the things people are doing to keep these habitats in good shape.

Medicine from a Blogger's POV

Things to do when I have a lot of homework and paid writing work:
1. Blog
2. Watch really trashy reality television and feel superior.

A lot of people have asked me how or why I switched gears so quickly. It feels like a former life now, almost a decade as a stay-at-home/work-at-home mommy, who homeschooled and was a substantial part of the local homeschooling scene. I blogged, tried new recipes, and cared deeply about the cleanliness of my bathroom counters.

Blogging has always been a somewhat philanthropic pursuit for me. There are certain things I know about, from experience and a lot of self-education. Green living in a very frugal, unconventional, and attainable way is one of these things. So is running a household. I am a thoughtful type of person, so I tend to research things. A niche blog on green family life fit like my favorite jeans. I began this blog hoping to share what I know in an interesting way that could be read by others, and to learn from these 'others' as well. If I could make money or build some writing cred doing it, all the better. Until I started school and had to temporarily give up blogging, I was well on my way to attaining this.

Medicine has always been one of my interests. I am fascinated by the way the human body works, but I am even more intrigued by the interaction between body and mind. Sometimes, people are overlooked or marginalized by health care systems--I know this because I often find myself and loved ones in this position. This is when one good doctor can make a huge difference.

Multiply that doctor by all of the patients they see in their career, and you have an immense potential for changing the landscape of the health care industry, especially the local flavor of a small community like Yakima. People assume I am interested in the money, but, honestly, family doctors in small towns don't make the rock star wages people think they do, and I'll be entering my early forties with six figures in student loans. I could make more selling cars, and not have to get tear stains all over a biology lab manual in the process.

We all have moments when things just click for us. For me, it happened while watching a documentary about an African midwife who left her family to train to perform cesarean sections. She practiced in a small village with no access to a hospital and lost women every month who might have been saved by a surgical procedure that is routine in the first world. When the government began allowing midwives to perform cesareans, she jumped.

Of course it isn't that simple. She had barriers, just as I do. Some views are worth the hike.

For a long time, I have felt this horrible emptiness, a feeling that I should be doing more to help other people. Like the servant in the Bible who buries his master's money, I have been been merely going on my way and ignoring the potential of my gifts. When I saw the documentary, everything suddenly seemed clear. It's a hard road, a painful road filled with worry and exhaustion and overwhelming waves of inadequacy. I don't know if I can get my grades up that tiny bit to where they need to be without making sacrifices I am not willing to make. I miss the simple joys of the life that once was mine, like spending a morning trying new and fancy braids or watching my son's face as he reads Tolkien for the first time.

I have to believe it will all be worth it in the end. Like blogging, this will be my little way of making a difference and maybe a comfortable living. I view medicine as a two-way sharing of information between the physician and the patient, and I can't wait to learn more so I have something to bring to the table when I finally put on that white coat.

Christmas Re-hash

Thank you all so much for your warm and supportive comments following the events in my last post. People who called me, I'm sorry I didn't call you back, and I swear I still love you lots.

This Christmas, we had a simpler celebration. Not just because I was in the hospital and relatives were dropping like flies; no, we have been scaling back every Christmas and I now feel like we have reached a sane level.

Decorations included a tree and homemade craft projects. Food was cookies that friends brought over, a pasta Christmas eve dinner, and a larger traditional Christmas Day meal. For gifts, we gave each child two gifts (one each from us and from Santa Claus) plus a stocking with candy and small useful gifts (like socks or hair pretties).

We have had time together this year, much more so than in years past. Which, considering everything going on, has both its benefits and drawbacks. Either way, I had time to rest and get through my hormonal fog.

It's a good thing, too, because the Winter Quarter came a little too soon for my taste. More on my studies later.

I am hoping to post more often now that I am in a good school routine and there are no medical dramas in the foreseeable future (knocks on wood).

The Truth, The Whole Truth... In Abridged Form, Of Course. Still Long, Of Course.

At my last doctor's appointment, he asked me if I have the support I need. I paused, and he added, "Honestly." I had to answer no.

(That second sentence looks like a punctuation nightmare. I know it already, so forgive me and keep your mouth shut unless you know how it actually should be.)

He was asking me about support because... I've had some stuff going on. And I had to say no, because only a handful of people even know what is going on in my life. How can people support me when they don't know I need support? Why do I keep hiding something that is in no way my fault? This isn't a dirty secret. It's just... my third miscarriage in six months.

The first two pregnancies occurred this summer. They both terminated very early--the first at seven weeks and the second at five. I take pregnancy tests the second my period is late, so I knew about both for a while. Long enough to start thinking about names. Long enough to go through the baby stuff in my basement and decide I would need a new crib, and maybe new crib bedding to go with the new crib. Still, I was over it after a week or two. Once the bleeding stopped, the grieving stopped. The first miscarriage I blamed on a genetic anomaly. It happens. It isn't a baby, I told myself. It's an Unbaby.

The second one worried me a bit. I did some research and found out the birth control method I was using to space out my children to a more reasonable two years apart may or may not cause miscarriages if a pregnancy does occur. I discontinued using it. After all, it wasn't exactly, umm, working, and I'd rather have a viable, albeit unplanned pregnancy than a miscarriage.

I found out I was pregnant again at the beginning of November. I was so happy. No, I was ecstatic. I was over the freakin' moon. I felt pregnant--unlike my last two unpregnancies. You have never seen a woman so happy to puke every morning. I made a doctor's appointment. I ceased drinking coffee (for the most part), exercising, eating anything artificial, anything that I might have done wrong the other two times. I worried at every twinge, but I told myself: no blood, no panic. I went to the first prenatal appointment bracing to be lectured about the nine pounds I had gained.

He didn't find a heartbeat. The doctor was nonchalant about it; I was in instant panic attack mode. When he was listening to--whatever they listen to on your back, your heart or lungs or both--he told me to breath normally. This is as normal as it gets.

Because no doctor likes hyperventilating maybe-pregnant-maybe-not women in their office, he offered to do a quick ultrasound. He found a water sac, a pregnant-ish uterus, but no baby. It's called a missed abortion. I lost the baby, and I never even knew it. 'No blood, no panic'? Apparently not a medically sound policy. I was almost ten weeks pregnant, but not really.

That is the biggest shock I have ever experienced. I felt bad for Dr. Davenport, because I knew he was counting seconds until this entire not-really-prenatal visit was over. Sheesh, he's like my baby brother's age. Just had his own first child. Such a nice guy, but he has to be thinking please, please, please, don't freak out. I started to cry, but stopped myself long enough to get out.

It was 5:30 PM and I had this to-do list. Pick up kids from preschool. Get daughter ready for her Christmas play. Go to Christmas play. Tell husband our baby is dead. Move the Pottery Barn crib set that the UPS man delivered while I was at my doctor's appointment. Complete two writing jobs. Study for second day of finals.

Did you know life keeps happening when your baby dies? It's really surprising when you are in the moment. Like, how come the Christmas play isn't cancelled? How come Christmas isn't cancelled? Intellectually, you understand, but emotionally, it just seems like the world should stop turning for a few days, maybe even a month or so. And no one knows why you are crying at your daughter's play or why you are rude to her teacher. No one knows why your writing assignment is late, or why you fail your finals despite being a straight-A student up to that day.

I'd like to make a note here. I had never considered that I would be hit this hard by a miscarriage, but it is the biggest and most terrible shock I have ever experienced. I have buried a parent at a young age, been unceremoniously dumped by my oldest son's father after working three jobs to support our fledgling family while he finished his degree... none of it even compares. When my son almost died twice earlier this year, I was so distraught that about three-quarters of my hair fell out. I can't wait to see what this does. (Please, God, spare my hair. There's so little of it left. It was just starting to come back in. Don't leave me ugly and barren.)

The day after my finals, I had another ultrasound at a facility with more sophisticated equipment. My doctor wanted to do more tests to make sure the baby was really gone. He also wanted more data on the huge growth in my pelvis that he found while looking for my runaway fetus. Did I forget to mention that? The possibility of having cancer was nothing compared to the reality of not having a baby. Mere background noise.

At the appointment, the ultrasound lady went and fetched her supervisor. They agreed to call my doctor. Then, they came back and did the rest of the ultrasound. I won't tell you what a transvaginal ultrasound is--that should be self explanatory. I will merely suggest that the 'wand' used for it is so long, I laughed when I saw it. Seriously, if it vibrated they could market the thing to lonely women.

They told me that my doctor would get the results by Monday and then call me. I was a little concerned about the whole 'call the doctor' thing. But then, I thought, if I really had a problem, they would fast-track the ultrasound to the radiologist, not let it languish in his inbox for almost a week.

What did I do in the meantime? I cried every day. I cried every hour. I went to my husband's company Christmas party and got ploughed on a Riesling with a silky honey aftertaste. Everyone commented--more than a year already and I'm not pregnant? I watched Tori Amos videos on Youtube. Did you know she had three miscarriages before she finally had a successful pregnancy? Now I know why almost every song on From the Choirgirl Hotel is about her miscarriages. If I could write a song that adequately expressed how shredded I am about this, it would be all I did. Song after song. Instead, all I have are my words.

I stayed home all day Monday and--no call. Then, on Tuesday, my doctor called. The growth was a corpus luteal cyst, which is something pregnant women get sometimes. It was already almost gone when they did the second ultrasound. Because, of course, I wasn't pregnant. That's why the techs were calling him so frantically. They couldn't find anything noteworthy and wanted to make sure they were looking in the right place.

My uterus was seven weeks pregnant, which I guess means that is how far I made it before the baby died. I tried to think what I did that week. What was so important that I didn't realize my child was dying? I can't go there... but I can't not go there either.

I was spotting, not so much spotting but passing a few tiny blood clots. My doctor expected that my next 'period' would be heavier than usual. Because, you know, I had all the baggage from a seven week pregnancy. Other than that, I was physically a-okay. Right, I thought, except that I have all this rotting tissue inside me. I told him that I was (am) going crazy. He thought that sounded like a normal reaction and offered antidepressants, which I refused.

Late that night, I woke up because something was... ummm... coming out. Like, several blood clots the size of golf balls, along with a lot of blood and cramping that felt like labor pains. I thought, wow--it all happened at once. Baby suite, dismantled. All over. Except that it kept happening, every twenty minutes or so. It was so freaky, I was afraid to call the doctor's on call guy. Afraid to go to the ER. Who is going to believe this? I couldn't fit all of those clots in my entire abdomen, so every time seemed like it had to be the last.

By morning, I had bled through two large packages of maxi pads and every pair of pajamas I own. I decided to take a shower (not exactly springtime fresh after my night of horrors), take the kids to school/preschool, and then call the doctor. My own doctor would believe me. I think he'd believe anything I said at this point; I'm a walking anomaly, but an honest one. Although, I briefly considered, I did just tell him not twenty-four hours ago that I'm going crazy.

I didn't get the chance. I passed out just after getting out of the shower. I awoke not long after, but I couldn't talk, and every time I lifted my head the room started to turn gray. After a few minutes, my daughter walked in. Why don't kids knock? But thank the heavens she didn't. Get Daddy, I whispered. She came back and said Daddy was leaving. I couldn't think of anything to say. My wise little girl, she went back and insisted that he come. By the time he walked in, I could sit up, hunched over. There was blood everywhere. He looked around in shock, and I said, I'm bleeding to death. It seemed a reasonable conclusion. He said he was calling an ambulance, and I told him just to put the kids in the car and bring me some clothes so we could drive to the hospital.

I looked bad when we got there, bad enough that they took me back while asking me what had happened instead of making me go through the triage thang. They started an IV and did a screwy job that left a huge bruised lump on my hand that is still there. I started to feel better, and a little sheepish. You see, the blood clots stopped coming as soon as I arrived at the hospital. Of course. But my blood pressure was low--90/60 after two bags of fluid. And I was bleeding like crazy, blood just pouring out of me. They knew something was going on.

They did a ton of tests, including an awkward pelvic exam throughout which I apologized to the doctor for how gross this had to be. I hope this is the low point of your day. I'd hate to think it goes downhill from here. The tests--including another transvaginal ultrasound, which wasn't so much funny as painful this time--showed I was full of baby detritus that was poised to exit, possibly taking a lot of blood and fluid with it. Seeing as how I didn't have a lot of either left to spare, the ER doctor wanted to do a D & C, which is this horrendous, invasive procedure in which they scrape your uterus clean while you are completely awake and without anesthetic. My doctor popped in, and thought that was unnecessary. I'll go with his opinion, thank you. They decided to admit me and give me medicine to make all this baby stuff come out while I was under their expert supervision.

It didn't go according to plan. As soon as I took the pills, the bleeding let up, which is the opposite of what it was supposed to do. My blood pressure kept getting lower. My blood count kept getting lower. The machine showed my blood pressure at 83/40, so the nurse took it by hand. That reading was lower, 80/37. The other nurse--who told me several times how crowded they were and how they needed my bed--came in and took it, saying it was 90-something over 50-something. She was so lying. But it was enough that I was sent home. I was happy to go home.

I had a mess on my hands at home when I arrived at 11 PM. I had to change my sheets, scrub the mattress, and get all the bloody laundry to the laundry room. This was a challenge when I couldn't walk five steps without getting dizzy. Finally, I went to bed. I'm still bleeding heavily four days later with some frankly disgusting stuff coming out of me. I had a follow up appointment and my doctor was so quiet and gentle instead of the all-business type thing you usually get with doctors. When he found out I did poorly on my finals, he wrote a letter to my teachers requesting that I be allowed to retake them. He even printed it out right away because I have to go visit my dying grandfather two states away and didn't know when I could pick it up. It's such a compelling letter (yeah, I read it, before I even started the car in fact) that I wondered if he worked his way through medical school as a freelance writer, the way I am doing it right now. But who cares? I doubt my dillweed professors will let me retake the tests because they are jerks that way and all men besides.

The doctor has been such a rock star through all this. I forgive him for his rude office staff, for the giganto pain in the tokhes it is to make an appointment, for picking on me about my weight gain when I was pregnant with Rachael and not exactly bathing in love for my swollen thighs. I hope his wife is super nice and makes him homemade baklava and rubs his stinky, hairy feet at night. He's that awesome. He's cute, too, but don't start seeing him. He has enough patients. It's easier to get a papal audience than to get a routine well child visit with this guy.

So, that's what's been going on with me.

A Few Thoughts On High School

When I started back in college, I honestly thought I could homeschool and go to school myself. After a few weeks, one kid flew the coop and started school. Then it was like a mudslide, and before I knew it, all of my kids were in school. We're like, well, normal people. at least on the outside. But we remain homeschool rebels on the inside, which is why I want to scream when I hear the following:

1. "Homeschooled kids are weird (pronounced weee--yurd). There's more to education than reading books."

This girl, L, is the daughter of teachers and has probably never actually met a homeschooler beyond a quick "hi". She was a straight-A student at the best public high school in the area and is now failing college level math because--oops--they don't teach real math in schools now. Being able to write an articulate essay on the meaning of a quadratic formula is an interesting skill, but it does you no good when it comes time to solve for 'X'. But I digress...

Judging from what my eighth grader tells me about his school, here are a few things that would be 'weee-yurd':

Enjoying learning
Reading
Having any religion
Having dreams for your future that include an Ivy League education
Volunteering
Having political opinions you didn't get from MTV
Knowing that corn syrup is the devil
Caring about babies stuck in the Darfur situation
For girls, looking like your clothes weren't bought at Frederick's of Hollywood
Not having sex with someone after dating for two weeks

I'm proud of my weird kids. They're kicking ass at school academically and have a ton of friends. Some people think they're a little weird--whatever. They're proof that, while traditional schoolers may have a hard time adjusting to anything BUT traditional school, homeschoolers can do well anywhere. They're used to dealing with a variety of people in a variety of contexts, and kids their age in a classroom setting is just one of those contexts. Compare this to many public school kids, who really can't identify with people who aren't their age and grade.

My kids could learn in a cave. Which is good, because the celebrated West Valley School District offers very little more than a cave would. I consider it free babysitting. My kids still do their homeschooling curricula after school and on weekends--they're hungry for knowledge after all day in an environment devoid of it.

Next thing:

2. "All mainstream Christian churches believe in evolution. It's only closed minded extremists and uneducated people who don't."

First, I believe in evolution. Second, I jumped down this professor's throat. Lutherans aren't mainstream? Really? What about Pentecostals? How many millions of people are Pentecostal or Evangelical? He's marginalizing a lot of people. I bet he believes everyone who didn't vote for Obama is a closed minded extremist too.

Making broad negative statements about people just because they have to disagree with you... now THAT'S what I call closed minded. I believe people have the right to have other opinions. That's okay with me. I think evolution is fascinating... but if you don't agree, I still respect you as a person. My Bio professor should extend the same courtesy.

3. "I think all kids should go to public schools. There's more to an education than getting good test scores."

There was a time when public school advocates said that homeschoolers and private schools could not get the education they needed. Now that the facts about homeschoolers and private schoolers have been pretty conclusively proven--that they outperform public school kids, that is--the story has changed. Now, getting an education is beside the point. School is about more than learning. It's about:

• learning to deal with people from different backgrounds
• being 'socialized'
• learning to be socially conscious
• learning to, you know, be normal

It's amusing because most public schools are not even close to a homogeneous mix of backgrounds. The West Valley School District is almost entirely white middle and upper middle class kids. My children were learning more about other cultures when they spent the morning with a lady from the Philippines with some other homeschooled friends. They learned about what she loved about her home, why she still had to leave, and that Filipino food rocks. This is just one of hundreds of examples I could give. The point: no freakin way are public schools a good place to learn about different kinds of people.

The only other place you'll be stuck in a small room with other people your age all day is a nursing home.

And 'socialized'? For what? To learn to be bullied? To get in fights? My kids have been taught to be civil and respectful. They're popular with their classmates and their teachers adore them. Apparently not being smacked around (except by me... lol, jk) hasn't left them unable to deal with their peers.

Socially conscious? I won't even go there. It doesn't take a pre-med student to figure out that watching Star Trek every day in honors social studies isn't going to give you this profound understanding of world issues. As for being normal, see #1.

Why do public school advocates come up with these cheesy arguments? Because they are failing. Our public schools are getting worse by the day if you look at the statistics, and the only way they can justify the billions of tax dollars that go to this failed experiment is to say they are offering things that can't be measured.

MacGuyver Monday: Getting back in the saddle

Usually my Macguyverings have to do with reusing materials and unwanted items, but lately I am short on another commodity as well: time. I had to give up blogging, posting freebies, and cleaning and cooking other important activities I enjoy. However, I am reorganizing my life to allow more time for these things. So here is my newly MacGuyvered daily schedule:

5 AM: Get up, showered, and dressed
5:30 AM: Make bed and turn on computer. Answer email, post freebies, and blog if these have not already been done the night before.
6:00 AM: Start laundry and clean that day's morning cleaning area (see chart below).
6:30 AM: Wake up kids. Eat breakfast with them and get them ready for daycare or school if they are in the group that go to one of these places.
7:00 AM: Wake up kids that don't go anywhere. Review the day's plan. Load lunches and stuff into car.
7:30 AM: Leave the house and take everyone where they need to go.
8:10 AM or so: Arrive at college, park, and go to pre-calculus.
8:30 AM: Rue the day I decided to be a Biology major, because you know they don't make liberal freakin arts majors learn what f(x) means Precalculus
9:30 AM: Catch up time. This is usually when I do my homework or type up whatever lab report is due that day.
10:30 AM: Biology. Not your sissy Biology, but Biology for Science Majors. Please note: on MWF, this class ends at 11:30 and I eat a hurried lunch while running to the computer lab so I can work on paid writing. On TTh, we have a longer period to allow for lab work and it ends at 12:30. On these days I eat lunch with a friend or read.
1:10 PM: Chemistry. Again, not the Chemistry most people take. That Chemistry was two or three pre-req's ago. On MWF, this ends at 2 and I spend an hour in the library studying afterward. On TTh, it ends at 3--lab again.
3:30 PM: Pick up kids from their various places. We're all home by 4 if it goes well.
4:00 PM: Take people to lessons if it is Monday, Tuesday, or Thursday. Try to squeeze in quality time with children who are not in their lessons; otherwise, do homework or go grocery shopping.
5:30 PM: Home from lessons. Start dinner. Turn over laundry. Correct children's schoolwork and oversee homework while it cooks.
6:00 PM: Eat dinner. Sometimes DH isn't home, but eating any later means people (me) get to bed too late.
6:30 PM: Clean up from dinner and clean up that day's cleaning area.
7:00 PM: Pack lunches and bags for the next day.
7:30 PM: Children's bedtime routines.
8:00 PM: Study schoolwork.
9:00 PM: Do an hour of paid work
10:00 PM: If not passed out, write the next day's blog and post freebies.

There are a few downfalls to my system. First, areas of my home may need cleaning more often than they actually get cleaned. Tough cookies. Pre-med is hard enough without adding endlessly repetitive cleaning tasks.

Second, I should be studying 45 hours per week according to most calculators. Ooops. I count two hours a day TOPS. Weekends are spent catching up with loved ones and more paid work--did I mention my childcare bill is in the four figures? I'm scraping by with mid to high B's--and, yes, I know that's not good enough for med school. I'm trying to find more study time, or at least a more effective study method.

Third, I suffer from overproductivity syndrome. In class, my eyes are darting around and I have trouble concentrating on JUST the professor. Why? I'm used to doing three or more things at once. I'm used to keeping track of a horde of little people while performing these multiple tasks. One man talking is simply not enough to command my attention.

I bet they think I'm on crack.

Oh, the cleaning schedule:

Morning: Monday: Living room
Tuesday: Upstairs bathroom
Wednesday: Kitchen
Thursday: Landing and Laundry room Friday: Master bedroom

Evening:
Monday: Dining Room
Tuesday: Downstairs bathroom
Wednesday: Finish kitchen
Thursday: Family room
Friday: Kids' rooms

Weekends: Fold and put away laundry, do the week's shopping and planning. Breathe.