Doctor Drama, Anyone?

My life as the star of a medical drama continues. I guess everyone has to have a purpose in life, outside of working, raising children, and coming up with ways to save the planet between episodes of Clean House. Here, in the order that they disturb me, are the latest vignettes in this episode of my life:

1. I called Doctor D.'s office back on Wednesday as instructed by the Tuesday girl. The Wednesday girl told me that he had nothing open and reminded me that I should call at the beginning of the week. I did, I told her. Monday was a holiday, and I called at precisely 8 AM Tuesday morning. Actually, I had called the previous Monday and there were no openings then either. I shared this with Wednesday and asked, If I call back Monday, will there really be an appointment available? She said (and I quote exactly here): You can call whenever you want, but that doesn't mean you'll get an appointment.

I can feel my hair falling out from stress, (sigh).

2. When my mother was calling repeatedly on Tuesday morning, it was actually my stepfather using her phone. She was admitted to the hospital and it ended up she needed (guess, c'mon, you can do it...) a ruptured appendix removed. She had heart issues due to anesthesia also. Go, Mom! She just needed to outdo Tyler.

3. Female issues. I'll spare you icky details about my girl parts. You can send the thank you cards to my email address.

4. Rachael's eczema is back. She is late for a well child visit, too. It's that one I keep trying to schedule. If I can't get one this Monday, I'll go the back door route and call Docta' D's medical assistant. I always feel like I'm cheating when I do that. But we need our check up.

What shall I call my masterpiece? Emily's Anatomy? Mommy MD?

A Morning in the Life of a Very Frustrated Mother

Right now I am on the phone with my doctor's office to make an appointment. So far I have heard an folksy remake of Sting's Fields of Barley, a possible Steely Dan song about Daddy don't live in New York City no more (sic), and now, some sort of elevator music.

If I am going to be left on hold for hours at a time, here are a few things I would like to hear:

Dane Cook's comedy bit on Kool Aid (Oh yeah? Oh no!)
Yael Naim
The new song by Ne-Yo, the one from the Overstock.com commercial
Fiona Apple

Seriously, who likes elevator music? Is it supposed to be calming? Several times the phone has sounded like someone was picking up--music pauses, office-y typing sounds in the background. But then, more elevator music. I've missed two calls from my mother while waiting this morning. Tyler is wondering what to do for school (just READ, okay, read a book, this is a literature based curriculum so there's no way you can go wrong by READING).

The elevator music has faded away, and now there is jazzy piano. (vomit in mouth) I am not kidding about the Dane Cook. It would put me in a good mood for when the rude scheduling people arbitrarily withhold health care from my child because it's the only power they wield in their minimum wage existence.

Okay, that was mean. I'm sorry.

Can it be? A person! Oops, I was sent to wrong place, I guess. She's transferring me to where I should be. Back to jazzy piano. Okay, another person already, that was fast. And when I try to make an appointment, this is what I get.

"He'll be in tomorrow, but he's full. Beyond that, I just don't know... Can you make an appointment with another doctor?"

When I explain, umm, NO, and ask if I can call back for an appointment with my own doctor, she says...

"You can try. I mean, I don't know when he'll be in or when he'll get his schedule. "

I can try? How kind of you. When can I try? I mean, last Monday you told me to try today. And since when do people try to make doctor's appointments? It is really simple, right? Like trying to jump, trying to blog. You just do it. I pick up the phone and call you, you check his schedule and put me in a slot, not so hard. Why don't you have his schedule anyway, you're his scheduling lady?

Don't worry, I didn't say that.

"Tomorrow, maybe later in the day? Maybe. I'm not guaranteeing it. I'm sorry."

At least she's sorry. The last scheduling lady was never sorry. She acted like I had done something wrong. I told you to call when we opened, and now it's 8:27. Of course I can't give you an appointment now.

Well, now you have witnessed in real time (kinda) a morning in my life. My doctor has told me that when this happens, I should ask to talk to his medical assistant and that she can usually fit me in. But his medical assistant is apparently not aware of this recommendation. She is always a little confused about why I am talking to her and not his scheduling girl. I save the MA trick for emergencies, for times when we honestly will be in the emergency room if the sitch isn't dealt with and soon. So I'll be calling back tomorrow. This only took 27 minutes of my morning.

MacGuyver Monday: Back to School Wardrobes

What does a homeschooling family know about Back to School shopping? More than you would think! We didn't always homeschool, so there was a time when I had to get six people fully outfitted every August. I still try to celebrate these little cultural rituals, although the pressure is definitely lower. So how am I keeping this big family in stylish clothing? The same way I ran charity events and the same way I manage a writing career: by being organized and making lists.

The list making comes first. Your first list should be a "need" list for each child. Never mind what they have, just list the bare essentials of a passable back to school wardrobe for your area and social class. For a homeschooling family in Central Washington, this might look like: 5 everyday/play outfits, 3 nice outfits, 2 church outfits, tennis shoes, boots, coat, snowpants, 3 pair pajamas. For a family in school, you would probably need 'nice clothes' every day, so adjust as needed.

Now, inventory all of the potential school clothes you have on hand from last year, hand-me-downs, and the deals you find here and there. I am always on the look-out for free and cheap clothes, so I usually have a substantial pile for each child. Have your children try on their clothes. Things that are too big go back to your clothing storage (whatever that may be), and things that are too small get passed down. Compare your "have" lists to your "need" lists and note any shortfalls. This is your shopping list.

If I was determined to spend no money, I would now begin looking for ways to repurpose. My love of pillow case dresses is legendary, but pillowcases also make nice skirts and jumpers. Pants with torn or worn knees can be cut off and hemmed to make shorts, or sewn into a cute skirt like this one. Sewing clothing is usually more expensive than buying, but if you have fabric on hand, even in the form of unwanted sheets and curtains, free patterns are all over internet. You can also request clothing on Freecycle, or ask friends what they are doing with their children's cast-offs.

Next, I would hit thrift stores with a very specific list of what I need. I actually did this today and my list read something like:

White turtleneck--Grace
Hot pink top--Rachael
Off-white top--Rachael
Black snowboarding pants--Tyler
...

And so on. It was a long list.

A tip: do not buy anything not on your list at this point. List items are receiving priority because they are immediately needed.

Another tip: many thrift stores regularly publish coupons or have special days when certain items are cheaper. Don't be afraid to ask!

If you have tapped the thrift stores and still have items on your list, move on to cheaper stores like Target, T.J. Maxx, and Old Navy. If you have an outlet mall nearby, hit that as well. I find amazing deals at Nordstrom Rack, so check there if one is near you. I know there are environmental and social implications to buying mainstream retail garments, but if you have managed until this point to get everything used, a few fill-in items will have minimal impact. As for WalMart, I avoid it like the plague because I need my stuff to last.

Done? Hopefully you have found everything you need at this point. I did this routine today, and my Back to School shopping came to $56 for four kids and their clothes horse mommy. Not too shabby! There are a few items I'm still keeping an eye out for, but we'll all be on-trend when we sit down to the kitchen table for Latin tomorrow morning.

A tip on buying ahead: I buy things before I need them, but without a framework, I would end up with lots of disconnected items that don't translate into outfits. My policy is to limit buying ahead to basics (like jeans, khakis, polos, cardigans, etc) and matched outfits. If I see something adorable at a great price, I'll pick it up, but only if it is worth having to buy a matching piece at full retail price. Of course, if it's free, just take it and say thank you. Another good way to weave scattered clearance deals into a cohesive look is to plan a wardrobe theme. Not everything has to match the theme, but, for example, my 6 year old daughter loves animal prints so I bought her leopard print ballet flats, skirts, and tops as I found them.

"Back to School" Impact

Is it possible for Back to School to be green?

If you're a traditional schooler, I just don't know. Really. Here are a few ways that public/private schooling affect the environment:

1. Driving. Whether bussed or driven by mom, millions of children have to go to and from somewhere every weekday.

2. Waste. Because of the nature of serving large numbers of people, most schools use disposable products. Disposable dinnerware, papers used on only one side, paper towels. A cafeteria garbage can is full of perfectly eatable, untouched food. And wrappers; moms who send lunches have the food wrapped in plastic because we all know kids can't seem to fit the gladware back in their lunchboxes.

3. Chemicals. Again, this is caused by the nature of serving large numbers of people. You need bad-#%$ cleaners to make those bathrooms usable, and lots of them. Lawns get sprayed with toxic chemicals for weeds and bugs; plastic, paint, and other fumes float through the air.

4. Paper. Teachers are not amused when you hand in an assignment written on the back of another assignment.

5. Clothing, and keeping up with the Jennifers. When my stepkidlets were in school, they needed a constant influx of stuff. Not just clothes, although clothes were definitely part of it. Sunglasses, specific brands of backpacks, uni-ball pens because they just feel nicer, accessories. Shopping at a thrift store was an appalling idea; they wouldn't even go inside. This is not only ghastly expensive, it also creates waste as perfectly good items were discarded to make room for the latest thing. Luckily, I saved a lot of it and it is now used by my homeschooled junior high schooler and my husband. My 13 year old has been dressed for two years from one teenager's senior year wardrobe... dressed well, and I still have a few huge boxes of other stuff for when this round gets stained, torn, or otherwise ruined.

That's one kid, one year. And I have personally seen kids brutally teased for not having this stuff, so I wasn't willing to put my darlings in that sitch.

Anyway, let's compare this to a homeschooler.

1. Driving. Yes, we do some driving on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I combine lessons with errands and one of these days Mrs. March and I are going to work out a carpooling plan. I'd say I drive around half as much as I did when I had kids in school, and it still feels like a lot.

2. Waste. Very un-encouraged. In fact, it's one of the only ways to get mom to blow her top. Creative leftover use is encouraged, and if you are getting a cup of water, put that glass where you can find it the next time you're thirsty. Disposable? Are you kidding me? I budget about five bucks a month on paper products, and that needs to include toilet paper for a family of eight.

We don't throw away food, we eat food. And it's real, recognizable agricultural products that are usually less than a week and a few miles removed from their origin. No canned stuff and what-is-in-the-chicken-nugget-cuz-you-know-chicken-isn't-spongy-like-that.

3. Chemicals? I clean with vinegar, sometimes diluted bleach. My husband has our lawn sprayed, though, and I get so mad about it but he's the manager of the company that does it so I can't cancel behind his back. I can live with crab grass; he thinks it reflects badly on our family and his job. Other toxins are just not here, partly because we gravitate toward used stuff that has already released its icky chemicals, and partly because I won't buy anything with a chemical I can't pronounce. Heavy duty cleaners just aren't necessary in the average household.

4. Paper. We mainly use the backsides of memos from my husbands job.

5. Clothing. Handed down, freecycled, bought on sale or used, and assigned to the Marshall family's complicated hierarchy of clothing. At the top is church clothing, which is fancy and usually matches the siblings' outfits. Then there are 'town clothes' which we wear out in public, to doctor's appointments, to lessons and co-ops. If they become less-than-perfect, they are re-assigned to everyday clothing. Last are the mud clothes: stained, mended, barely covering our backsides... these are not just for mud, but for painting and other super messy tasks. They are practically disposable.

The hand-me-down hierarchy is just as complicated. Church clothes and town clothes are handed down, everyday clothes go to the garage sale or freecycled, and mud clothes become rags and quilts.

As for 'stuff', I am against it and don't buy it. My kids have no one to impress. The other homeschoolers are just as cheap as I am, and they won't care if my daughter has a brand new Hannah Montana folder or an old file folder with a scribbled out label. They get 'stuff' as presents and from Freecycle, but I refuse to put a line in my budget for it.

Whether you are a public schooler, private schooler, or homeschooler, there are ways to make your stay on our little planet just a little less wasteful. What are you doing for our Earth?

Exes and Hexes

Grrr.

I just need to vent here.

My oldest son, Tyler, is from a previous relationship. He visits his dad and stepmother for a month in the summer every year and comes back with a lot of general information about how I am viewed by my ex and his wife. I like to call it "Melinda Said". As in:

Melinda said you should send me to public school because she went there and turned out okay.

Melinda said you are ripping off companies by ordering freebies. She says it's fraud. (This came after the question, "what is fraud?" and I said, "well, it's when you steal from a company in a sneaky way. Why?")

Melinda said your house must be a mess with so many kids. (Tyler said he tried not to laugh because I keep a very clean house and he can't get through their living room without tripping four times)

Melinda said you don't feed me healthy food. (At least I feed him at all.)

Melinda said you shop at thrift stores because you are cheap, and that all Jews are cheap. (Melinda's of Arab descent and has a lot of opinions about Jews, Muslims, and the interaction between them.)

Melinda said I don't have enough socks. (I only sent a few pair because he wears flip-flops all summer. And then she bought him a package of socks to prove how dire she felt the situation was . They came home brand new and unworn. Thanks for the socks, guys. He already had about thirty pair, but it's a nice thought.)

And it goes on and on. It's not worth picking a fight over, and it really makes Tyler dislike her. It actually has the opposite effect than what I think Melinda intends, because most of it is obviously untrue. When he tries to argue with her, he gets scolded and told not to talk back. Fair enough; he shouldn't be sassing his stepmother. She's still an adult authority figure.

It's been a good lesson for me, because it makes me realize how easy it is for a well-meaning person to say things to a child that are upsetting. For instance, several years ago I bought some square white dinner plates. I bought them at Macy's for a hefty price (for me), and I was really proud of them. So, the first time I served dinner on them, my stepson informed me that I should have bought black. Why? Because his mom has square black plates.

His mom is one of those people who over-shops at cheap stores. Know what I mean? Some people buy plates once a decade at Macy's; others buy them every year at WalMart. They end up spending about the same. It's a matter of habit and perspective. And I should have said nothing, but I instead said something like: Who wants to eat off black plates? How unappetizing. And they don't even have that stuff at the stores where I shop.

In retrospect, it was very bitchy of me, and I'm sure it was carried home to mom and made to sound like I mounted a detailed attack on her dinnerware and her preferred retail establishments. I don't feel too guilty, though, because I know she uses her visitation to indoctrinate her children against their dad and me. And the kids see it as : look how much these people upset Mom, what is wrong with them? Or else, they think she just needs a friend and they should try to be there for her. So totally not a kid's job, not even an adult kid. And she knows it.

I try to keep my mouth shut. I try *so very* hard, and most of the time I succeed. But I'm getting it from both sides here: his ex and my ex.

It's more important that the kids be spared this crap than for me to come out 'right'. I just have to keep that perspective.

Thankful Thursday: Freecycle

Boy, am I thankful for Freecycle.

This week we got three big bags of toys (four? was there a fourth?) from Freecycle and found another Yakima Mommy blogger. TJ at http://dtkmkihn.blogspot.com/ lives less than a mile from me, and her kids had some decent hand-me-downs. Here are a few of our faves from the loot.












Malcolm likes dinosaurs and dragons, so he was happy to add a few to his collection.











Grace thinks the purple cat is a Bratz kitty, which is so thrilling for her because I won't buy anything Bratz... we have enough brats in our home, thank you. So, Bratz or not, this little plastic kitty has a place of honor on her bookcase.


Rachael is in love with this Elmo phone. Ironically, I gave away this exact phone on Freecycle about two years ago. Could it be the same one?

Ignore the furniture in the background, please--it's our family room, which is outfitted exclusively in hand-me-downs and Freecycle finds because we go through furniture like a winery goes through grapes. The antiques and Pottery Barn splurges refuse to enter.

Other things we've been gifted on Freecycle? Hangers, clothes for the kids (five separate occasions this year in fact), new bedding sets for the girls' room, an entertainment center, a mahogany armoire (not sure why they were giving that away...), old records, maternity clothes. Lotsa stuff. Even better is having a place to give things away. I don't usually post because I tend to give away things to people I know, but I always check people's 'wanted' ads. It's nice to email someone who has no baby stuff and tell them you have everything from crib to onesies if they want it. So check out Freecycle if you aren't already dialed into it... there's one in almost every community.

A few pet peeves about Freecycle: it's an environmental thang, but some posters have refused to give me items because they were holding out for someone who sounded needier. So, they basically want a story writing contest? lol. I also get a little annoyed when I drive across town for a bag of boys' size 4 clothes and it ends up to be a bag with one size 4 stained t-shirt and the rest adults XL (really happened). Or when I pick up three bags of size 2T clothes and they are all 12 mos or smaller. But usually I can find someone who can use the surplus (in both cases I did), and I love the constant flow of new stuff into our house. It inspires me to increase the flow of stuff out of our home, and there's no cost, financial, environmental, or otherwise.

To Cool Off... My Baby Sister in the Snow Last Winter

Crockpot in the Morning, Crockpot in the Evening, ...

This morning I woke up and a hot, healthy breakfast was ready to eat. No, my husband didn't get on a helpful streak (those of us who know my husband are laughing right now... he has many fine qualities, but he's happy to leave all housework to me). I made crockpot oatmeal. And it was SOOOO good. Here's the recipe I used:

Ingredients:

• Butter or oil
• 2 cups of oats, not instant or quick. Just plain oats.
• 5 cups of liquid--we do half milk and half water
• If desired, about one cup of add-ins, like: nuts, dried berries, etc

Instructions:

1. Butter or oil the inside of the crockpot well.
2. Add oatmeal and liquid, plus add-ins
3. Cook on low 6-8 hours

If you are the type who actually gets a good night's sleep, this recipe will be no good for you. Those of us who are creeping by on 5-6 hours will find this recipe a good way to soak up some of the black coffee.

A few thoughts on crockpots: New ones cook much hotter than the old ones. My crockpot was five bucks at a garage sale--this is the only way it matches my other appliances--and is, I assume, an older one. I'm not sure, though. If anyone would like to try this recipe in a confirmed new crockpot and report back, I'd be much obliged. I don't know if you've seen the cost of bulk oatmeal lately... it won't be an expensive experiment.

I recommend using dried apples, pecans, and apple pie spices as extras. Dried cranberries and dark chocolate chips are always good; just add the chocolate chips when you serve.

Crockpot 365 is a blog dedicated exclusively to--you guessed it--using the crockpot.

The In Group and the Out Group

Even though I am a practicing Christian, I really dislike hanging around other Christians. Almost every church I've been to has seemed swept away in jargon--Have you been born again in the blood of the lamb?--and totally self-congratulatory--We are so Awesome. We worship God in this totally unique way. Wouldn't ya know, it's the only way He wants to be worshipped, and I know this because I have Him on speed dial and also I have this little used translation of the Bible that isn't accepted by any other church...

This is how I ended up Catholic. Not because I think they are right about everything, but because Catholics feel so guilty and inadequate. It cuts down on the smug.

So, anyway. A friend, an intelligent Christian friend, whose beliefs I would respect just because they happened to be hers, said that she has hesitated to join a local homeschooling group because of the statement of faith. The statement of faith is loosely based on the Apostles' Creed, which many people (I'm told) feel is a tool of exclusion.

Oh, I hate exclusion. I have been the popular girl, the girl who the popular girls hated, the girl who hated the popular girls... Adolescence sucks, and I feel no need to recreate it in my adult relationships. I don't think it's a requirement to be a Christian. Christ was inclusive. He included everybody who came with an open heart, and even a few who didn't. I try to emulate that.

On the other hand, I think we can believe things, and have a group based on said beliefs, without excluding others. But if the others feel excluded, we have effectively excluded them just by failing to include them. Is that confusing enough? I don't want cool, funny, smart families to be afraid to join our party. And, apparently, they are.

How do I fix this?

MacGuyver Monday: Money, Money, Money

Grow a garden.
Buy in bulk.
Drive a more fuel efficient car.

What do the above have in common? They, like many money-saving tips, require more investment and waiting time than a strapped family has. When I was twenty, my then-husband and I split up unexpectedly just before we were set to move to another state, and I found myself jobless and moneyless with a small child. What do you do if you are hit over the head with a sudden financial shortfall? You MacGuyver your finances.

Step One: Cut Your Food Bill

The priority is to keep a roof over your head and keep any wage earners earning (or get them earning again). Where do groceries fit in to that? They don't. Most Americans have pantries full of food, yet we head to the grocery store every weekend for another cart full. If needed, most of us could squeeze two weeks' of meal out of our kitchen. You may end up with some unorthodox combinations toward the end, but if you treat it like an adventure, your family can have fun with this.

When your pantry is running low, the Hillbilly Housewife has a $40 emergency menu and shopping list that, while not nutritionally optimal, is certainly as healthy as the average American diet and is dirt-cheap.

My friend Mrs. Hannigan gets just about everything for free with coupons, but she has a few years of this lifestyle under her belt. If you are new to the world of couponing for free stuff, Couponmom.com can help guide you. Just remember: you cannot afford to "spend to save". If you can combine coupons and sales to get things absolutely free, take advantage. But beware of becoming one of those coupon freaks who spends $400 a month on shampoo but swears they are saving so much.

If your cupboards are truly bare and you don't see a paycheck in your near future, go to a foodbank. Many of us donate to food banks because we know some people find themselves in dire situations through no fault of their own. Save what little money is left for things like housing and electric, things that aren't readily available

Step Two: Impose a Spending Moratorium

That means no Starbucks, no non-work-related driving, not even a trip to the Goodwill. As long as you have clothing to cover your back, you don't need anything else. Remember that this is temporary. Eventually you'll bounce back, but until then, your kids may have to enjoy homemade birthday presents or go to school without supplies. This too shall pass.

Step Three: Cancel Everything

Be smart here. Cable can go, high speed internet can go, but if you have to pay $200 to cancel your cell phone, do the math. How long will you need to do without? Does your breadwinner need that phone? Can you cancel your landline and use the cell instead? You want to pay as little as possible, so keep your calculator at hand.

Step Four: Cut Your Electric Use

Pretend you are in a third world country and have no electric. Would you have television? No. A dryer? No. A toaster? Most likely not.

It's easy to live without a toaster. It's hard to live without a refrigerator. The longer you can do without things like toasters and clothes dryers, the longer you will have money for things like refrigerators. Focus on what you physically need. Everything else should be unplugged and put away.

Step Five: Increase your Income

It's as easy as it sounds. In my case, as a 20 year single mother, I took a low-paying job as a nurse's aide trainee (every community needs nurse's aides because no one wants to do that kind of work). It allowed me to work nights, when relatives could watch my toddler. It was the worse job I have ever had... the worse job I have ever even heard of, but it brought in a regular paycheck and now I have a unique perspective on what makes a job truly horrible.

It wasn't enough to live on, at least not with the upper middle class lifestyle in which I was raised, so I told everyone I knew that I was looking for work. I organized houses, cleaned group homes, and sewed Halloween costumes (among other things). I did surveys in my spare time. I traded farm labor for rent. And while I was doing all this, I took college classes so I wouldn't have to live like that forever.

If you are determined not to leave your children, there are a lot of things you can do for money at home.

If you have a quick way to save money or earn it, leave me a message and I'll add it in.

Something from Nothing Saturday: Pillowcase Dresses

For my daughter's sixth birthday, my good friend Mrs. Hannigan gave her all the ingredients needed to make an adorable stylish dress: a pillowcase, a length of ribbon, and some elastic. The dress we are making is like the one here except that it has ribbons instead of fabric ties on the shoulders. You can find cool pillow case clothes all over the web, but my favorites are at:

Maya Made
Molly Coddle
Mothering.com

If you want to buy one, or if you are an awesome seamstress and can copy designs from sight, there are some cute pillow case apparel ideas at Pillow Case Dresses. If you get bored with them, check out these easy homemade onesie dresses and t-shirt dresses.

Our Normal Lives Don't Suck

My mother and stepfather left this morning after a week-and-a-half visit, and I exhaled for the first time since we put away our schoolbooks late this May.

Homeschooling moms should look forward to summer. Even if you are the year-round schooling type, the pressure to progress is significantly lessened; after all, your neighbor's kids aren't learning anything. Most lessons are put on hold to allow for family vacations. Communities seem to bloom with fun activities. If the whole world homeschooled, this would be what our lives looked like year round: concerts, gallery openings, and hordes of children milling around every conceivable public place. This is a time for traditionally-schooling to reconnect with their children, and a chance for homeschooling families to relax. Or it should be.

If your summer has been full of rest and naps in hammocks, God bless you. Mine has been a long series of disruptions, from a variety of illnesses both exotic and mundane to a parade of obligatory visits and visitors, all set against the backdrop of an anxious nation waiting to behold their political and economic future.

But I'm not complaining. I think the events of my summer have led me to make some very positive changes. I look forward to jumping back into our normal routines and seeing how the new twists add flavor and spice.

Suck/Rock(!) Awards for the Week

If you're wondering why the freebie updates at my website have been so few and far between, I have a variety of explanantions to offer. First, I have been busy between the relatives in town and the run-ins with the law.

Second, Yahoo (my webhost) had some weird glitch whereby I would update and upload the changes, but they weren't actually, umm, taking. As in, the website wasn't showing the changes. Because I've been busy, I just went along my merry way assuming that we were all on the same page, and now I've probably lost half of my itty-bitty audience to frustration and ennui.

Yahoo wins this week's You Suck (!) award, no surprise there. But you know who wins the You Rock(!) award? Mary Kay.

Yeah, seriously, like the blond lady with horrendous blue eye shadow. I can move on--it was the sixties, after all, and my grandma still wears that color too. And don't worry that I'm trying to sell you the stuff, because I couldn't sell bottled water in the Sahara Desert.

My friend Mrs. March is a consultant (or whatever they call the salesladies), so I'm getting a crash course in Mary Kay-ology. I now know that it's not MLM, which is cool. I know that Mrs. March's boss ladies are super nice to her and that she needs more of that in her life. Don't we all. I know that she's all smiley lately and strutting around in cute black dresses as if she didn't grow up around here, where women actually have 'church jeans'.

Now my mother wants to sell it. Half of me says GO FOR IT because she could use a few nice boss ladies and she already has the cute black dresses. Part of me worries she'll invest time and money and not recoup it, because she is already strapped for both between two frail elderly parents and various parasite relatives. And of course, I wonder why do this with her level of education. Am I going to finish a doctorate and still need to sell cosmetics from my garage?

btw, did you know Mary Kay was one of the first cosmetics companies to start recycling on a corporate scale and to stop testing on animals? You have that from someone who has never, will never sell the stuff.

Life Doesn't Suck Because No One's Hurt and We Aren't In Jail Either

I've been accused of being a lenient parent, especially by people within the uber-conservative homeschooling community. If you consider letting my children make their own decisions on issues like hairstyle lenient, then I certainly am. If you consider letting them watch mainstream, age-appropriate television lenient, yeah. I'm not saying there are no rules in my home; quite the contrary. I firmly believe that children (and people in general) should be responsible, respectful, and fun to be with. We all have our standards, and those are mine.

All standards aside, we are and always have been the loud and perhaps obnoxious family on the block, and that has just become exponentially worse. I went grocery shopping today and came home to find my road blocked by a police car. There was no one in the car, and my driveway was just feet away, so I squeezed by it in my minivan and pulled into my driveway, where there was yet another police car and a police motocycle to boot. Men with guns were milling around on my front porch and my stepson was leaning against the railing looking very guilty.

Apparently, he was bored, and with the little ones gone, he decided it would be entertaining to set off a few firecrackers he had saved from the Fourth of July. (No, I am not cool with the fact that he had fireworks stashed away in a house full of small children.)

The neighbors thought they heard gunshots and called the cops. The cops arrived en masse expecting to find a shooting. And that's when I returned home with a trunk full of organic ice cream and veggie dogs (which were disgusting btw).

My stepson has a hefty fine to pay and my neighbors have something exciting to talk about. Hopefully we'll escape without fallout from the landlord, and of course I am so grateful no one was hurt or arrested as a result of this total lapse in judgment. I'm sure I'm not the only parent whose kids have, umm, lapses in judgment, and if trying to deal with this in a calm and rational manner makes me a lenient parent, I guess I'm there.

Wordless Wednesday: The Duggar's

I don't have a big family. Now that (see above) is a large family.

I am amazed by the Duggar's because they run their lives. Period. That's a lot of people, and they seem to be growing into functional human beings. For the record, I am not evangelical. I don't wear long skirts unless they happen to be in style that season. I have a paltry eight children and only four of them actually share my DNA (and I would never name them all with the same initial). I encourage free thought and use mainstream science curriculum. But I think Michelle Duggar and I could sit and have coffee (if that's allowed by her religious beliefs) and get along. I don't have to agree with everything she stands for to admire a bright and well-organized mind. I read their website sometimes just to see whassup wit' dem.

If you haven't checked out the Duggar's, you should. You'll be dismayed or inspired, and it's an entertaining read either way.

It's never Wordless Wednesday around here. Just can't shut up. :-)

MacGuyver Monday: Doing stuff with yarn

If you knit or crochet, you probably have a few skeins of yarn lying around. What can you do that's useful and doesn't require buying yet more yarn? Here are a few ideas.

1. Amigurumi are an easy and cute way to use up yarn in a productive way. Basically, they are cute little crocheted Japanese stuffed animals. I am going to make some for Christmas stockings, and maybe Etsy.
Here's a link with lots-a amigurumi tips and a pattern for a little guy.

2. Crochet or knit dishcloths, potholders, and hot pads.

3. Make little flowers to decorate clothing.

4. Make pom-poms--no knitting or crocheting needed, and it's so easy a little kid could make them.

Menu Planning for Non-Meat Eaters

I was looking around at menu planning sites today, searching for recipes to feed next week's house guests.

Houseguests make for difficult meal planning in the Sagemommy household. On one hand, I want to knock their socks off with my gourmet skills; on the other hand, I would like to spend some time with my family outside the kitchen. Then there's the ingredient issue; we are mainly meatless around here, but most Americans are conditioned to think it's not dinner without a slab of flesh taking up half their plate. I want to introduce people to the delicious fresh tastes of a Yakima summer, but I don't want them to go home grumbling. Also, my houseguests are highly allergic to, among other things, milk and milk products.

I've discovered that most meal planning sites either recommend rotating the most boring traditional American meals--as in Monday is spaghetti night, Tuesday is taco night, etc.--or they plan meals around meat, as in Monday we'll make something with chicken breast, Tuesday something with pork chops, and so on. All of these work wonderfully if you really, really enjoy traditional American foods. If. My houseguests happen to be my parents--a European/Jewish heritage stepfather, and a Middle Eastern/Central Asian/Eastern European/non-practicing Jewish mother who grew up in China. Did I mention they're Buddhist? Only in California...

Then I had an epiphany: why not plan meals according to cuisine type? As in Monday--Mexican, Tuesday--Thai, Wednesday--Italian, and so on. I started searching, and I found low-meat, dairy-free, budget-friendly meals from every nation I could think of on the web. I think this is going to become my new strategy. As a bonus, this plan made it easy to plan side dishes, as Thai food just begs for sauteed noodles and it isn't Mexican night without Spanish rice. As I am fond of pointing out, third world cuisine is generally cheap and easy to prepare, because they are even more strapped for time and cash then we are.

I plan to incorporate more adventurous cuisines into my family's diet this summer. It will keep us out of the sandwich/salad/fruit rut we seem to creep into when it gets too warm to properly cook. Don't worry; I'll share recipes as I find good ones.

Maxing Out your Meat

That sounds like a Enzyte commercial, but, seriously, that's not where I'm going with this.

The price of meat is going up with the price of, well, everything. I think the price is going to increase faster than other food prices, and here's why:

Meat, even local meat, is rarely entirely local. Cows, for instance, have to be shipped from where they are born to where they are raised, then from there to where they are fattened just before slaughter, then to where they are slaughtered, then to where they are processed and packed, then to a store's distribution center, and then to the store. Whew! that's quite a run-on sentence, and it's quite a lot of traveling for an animal whose sole function is to lay quiet on your plate with a side of Yukon Gold fries.

Animals don't fit neatly in the back of a Prius, and with oil prices going up every second, it's fair to say that these intrepid world travelers are not getting any cheaper. So how do you cut your meat budget in times like these? By cutting your meat intake. And here's how:

1. Experiment with vegan meals. Even meat lovers will like some of them, so try a few out. Instead of making spaghetti without the meatballs, try checking out a vegan cookbook and trying an altogether new dish, one that won't feel like it has something missing.

2. Do the meat limbo--lower, lower, lower. In the spaghetti with meatballs example, make your meatballs slightly smaller, with slightly more fillers, and use slightly less. Go a little lower every time you try a recipe, and bump back up a step when people start complaining. You can halve your meat usage this way without your family noticing.

3. Experiment with cheaper cuts of meat. Chuck roast may not be ideal for barbecuing, but it sure makes a nice pot roast. Tougher cuts of meat are often more flavorful, and therefore better for casseroles and stews.

Meat is always tastier and greener when bought from local farmers and butchers, so call around about options other than the corner supermarket. Sometimes these sources are cheaper, too.

If you're worried about protein intake, remember that most Americans are getting two to four times the protein they need. Unless you're a strict vegan, you ought to be okay (and what strict vegan would be reading this?).

Life Doesn't Suck. Really, It Doesn't. Really.

Two visits to the emergency room don't ruin your week, really. Never mind being unable to conduct your life because your cell phone charger is lost and the hospital doesn't have wi-fi. (freakin' Safeway has wi-fi and the hospital doesn't...) Never mind getting two small children to sit still for hours. It was fun, like I was Supernanny except I can spank and threaten them. Never mind waiting five hours only to be told to return in twelve hours, then being scolded for 'abusing the emergency room system' when I return. Never mind having my doctor (the incredible, disappearing Dr. X) unreachable and the ER doctor making decisions based on the advice of the resident on call at CWFM (I've seen the residents; I have older-looking children and I'm only 31). Never mind all that.

No, my week isn't ruined. I made a gorgeous newsletter for a local homeschooling organization and got it to the printer only a week late. I still can't reach the person who is supposed to actually mail the finished newsletters because I don't have her number and I can't reach anyone who does. And I'm doing a really awesome job not freaking out about that, at least on the surface. My house is a mess, but it still has four walls, a roof, clean dishes, and clean laundry if you aren't particular about outfits matching. It's my stepdaughter's birthday and I still haven't mailed any presents because the kids misplaced them while Daddy was watching them while I "slept in" for a half hour last Saturday. I haven't had a chance to buy anything else. I don't have the money either. But that doesn't mean life sucks.

Right now I am trying to get ready for houseguests. Two of my kids are in their bedrooms screaming because they were brawling over who ripped a sticker left over from the ER visit. I sent them to bed for a nap. They aren't tired. But I am.

Right now, my son should have already had a follow-up visit with his family doctor. The ER people obviously have never dealt with CWFM. According to the scheduling bitch person, who I swear snickered when I told her I need an appointment either that day or the next, I can call next Monday for an appointment in two weeks, or I can see one of those preschoolers, with my luck the same one who advised the ER doctor to thoroughly tongue-lash me before sending me home with a child who might need his third abdominal surgery in five months. And whenever I reluctantly agree to see a doctor who is not Dr. D, he/she magically becomes my primary care provider and I have to throw several hissy fits and beg medical assistants for mercy before the schedulers switch me back.

Right now my baby has a croup-y cough and a stomach bug that is causing diarrhea. It's just one more service to the community offered by Yakima Memorial. Seeing my doctor is, uh, impossible, and I'm having panic attacks whenever I think of returning to the emergency room. But life doesn't suck, because, darn it, this is Life Doesn't Suck As Much As I Thought It Did Thursday.

Wordless Wednesday

You Already Own Some Great Green Toys

I swear, I am not going to put even one paid ad in this post. :-)

This isn't because I am against making money on my blog--oh, no, no, no, my friends. It's because I don't want to steer you into the common trap of thinking you need to spend money to be green.

The best green toys are not toys at all. Today I followed my kids around a little and noted what they did. Here are the favorites:

Baby:

1. Putting things in and out of other things. Like: clothing in and out of drawers, plastic dishes in and out of cabinet, silverware in and out of dishwasher silverware holder.
2. Housecats. Just petting them and making meow noises at them. When you pull the kitty's tail, it screeches and runs away--this toy teaches social skills!
3. Blankets. They can be used for peekaboo with people and objects.
4. Siblings. People like to pick on me because a large family isn't conventionally considered green. However, my kids entertain the baby as well as any Baby Einstein video, run without electricity, and didn't have to be imported from a third world country.
5. Anything that makes a noise, placed in a securely closed container. I like to put random stuff in cylindrical oatmeal containers for the baby to shake and roll around.

In other words, if you have a baby, don't buy them toys. Just childproof enough that they can explore and then get out of their way.

Preschooler/Elementary Schooler:

1. Drawing/painting/cutting and gluing. My husband brings home scratch paper from work, so this is zero impact. Plus, we recycle.
2. Chilling in the dirt pile. We actually have a dirt version of a sandbox. It's just as good for trucks, gets awesomely messy when you add water, AND it's easier to find and remove the inevitable cat offerings.
3. Bubbles. I don't bother with the glycerin you see in most recipes; I just add water to dish soap. No complaints yet.
4. Helping me cook. This is a HUGE deal in my home. My children have came close to killing each other over who adds the dried blueberries to the granola. Whenever I cook, I choose a helper. The others get to lick the bowl and the beaters.
5. Dress up. This is only ecologically sensible if you DO NOT wash the clothes until they are thoroughly filthy. I buy nifty stuff at garage sales and thrift stores--no expensive costumes here!

Tweens:

1. Reading library books. My kids l-o-v-e to read, and if yours don't, it's time to cultivate this passion.
2. Drawing. Just like the younger kids, but with nicer colored pencils and paper that doesn't have old invoices on the other side.
3. Crafting. Now is the perfect time for your not-so-little one to learn the gift of productivity, and maybe work up to their own Etsy business.
4. Social networking. People pick on Myspace, but I love having all of the preteen mischief be a matter of public record. I can investigate my son's friends and tell from the comments what stuff my kids are up to when I step out of earshot. Plus, they can visit almost constantly without Mom having to haul everyone around town.
5. Playing sports. Remember those round things called... balls? They don't have to be nice, just bouncy and well inflated. Hours of cheap fun, and I bet you already have one somewhere.

So, that's what we're doing at the Marshall home while educational and commercial toys alike sit untouched in their bins. No batteries needed!

MacGuyver Monday: Muffins for the Munchkins

With gas prices somewhere up in the nonexistent ozone layer, most of us aren't running to the store every time we run out of eggs. Now, more than ever, Mom needs to have a few tricks up her sleeve. The next time you find yourself without milk, cereal, or Pop-Tarts (tell me you don't really eat pop-tarts!), invent your own homemade muffin recipe from this template.

1. 2-2 1/2 cups grain (like flour...)
2. 1 cup milk, soy milk, or fruit juice
3. Up to 1/4 cup fat (oil, butter, peanut butter. This can be partially omitted if you are using a wet addition)
4. 1 egg, or 1 Tbsp soy flour with 1 Tbsp water
5. Up to half a cup of sweetener
6. 2 tsp baking powder
7. 1/2 tsp salt
8. Up to 1 1/2 cups additions

The additions can be anything... purees, applesauce, shredded carrot, spices, fruit, bacon, cheese. I've made cheddar chive muffins with this template that were awesome with soup. The key is maintaining the moist/dry ratio. For example, if you are using honey to sweeten, use the higher amount of flour.

Instructions: Combine dry ingredients, then mix in the wet ingredients until the batter is mixed but still lumpy. Bake in greased muffin tins in a preheated 400 degree oven for about 20 minutes.

The only thing that can't be substituted is baking powder, making this a highly versatile recipe. I got this recipe out of The Complete Tightwad Gazette, which is one of my absolute favoritest books because it is almost 1000 pages of these MacGuyver-esque ideas. You'll save the price of the book in the first week of implementing Amy Dacyczyn's advice, if not the first hour.

Listmania--Do Not Read If You Have a Low Tolerance for OCD Behaviors

Have I mentioned that I am a compulsive listmaker? I have lists, sublists, and cross-references to other lists. So far it has worked for me--the house is clean, the children thoroughly educated, and I always know what I'm having for dinner. However, I have been spending a lot of my time making, finding, and managing lists, so I decided to make a weekly master list that encompassed everything I need to do in my home throughout the week. This way, I thought, I would have a little more flexibility, and not feel like I have to make my kids skip ballet because I am behind on laundry and I just can't bear to leave that item un-crossed-out. I'll be taking on a few more responsibilities this fall, too, so I need a new routine, one that allows me to keep my act together without necessarily being home all the time. So I set about making my list by, err, making a list of how I was going to do that.

Item One: List everything I do in a week.

It took me a few weeks to do this. Basically, I made my normal lists and compiled them, then gradually added all the little things I had forgotten. For instance, I wipe down the moldings in my living room every other week. It doesn't usually make it on any list; I simply do it while dusting if I notice it needs done. But imagine if I didn't do it at all, in a house full of dust-producing children? It's on the list now--phew! close call.

Item Two: Put list items in a logical order.

This was more difficult. I would like to think that I clean from one corner of the house to another... it's the most logical way. But, really, I clean from most important to least important, from most used rooms to least used rooms. And this prioritization method would offers no help with tasks like writing, laundry, and baking, unimportant little things that make up over half of my weekly list. I can't just throw in my weekly 15-20 loads of laundry while I'm dusting the laundry room. So I experimented with making the list roughly in the order that I do things throughout my week, except--oops--now it looked like the old daily list system that I was trying to abolish, except squished together is a messy kind of way instead of neatly separated by day.

Item Three: Cull daily stuff.

Honestly, if I do it without needing a reminder, why is it on my list? Because I want the gratification of crossing it out. I want a list full of checkouts and ink-marks so I know that I did something today, even if the laundry is all dirty again because my daughter decided to help by cramming five loads of folded clean laundry in the dryer with the contents of the diaper pail (true story). But sacrifices must be made... so daily routines and things like washing dishes were removed from the weekly list. As a side note, I may still have a daily list, but it will be cross-referenced with my weekly list. Which is exactly what I'm trying to get away from...

But if I don't write down every little thing, I have no proof that I didn't sit and watch the Steve Wilkos show all day. I don't know. The daily list issue will have to be tabled for now because I am still on weekly list mode.

Item Two Point One: Put list items in logical order (again).

So, I took the newly culled list (down to three pages front and back--wow! is that all I do? and it takes me all freakin' week? but, wait, there's the daily lists too, take a deep breath...) and I listed first cleaning items in a logical order, then laundry, then errands and phone calls, then writing and web design stuff, then things that don't fit in anywhere. That's roughly the order of priority in my life, if you leave out childcare and husbandcare and miscellaneous relationship maintenance. I tried to list the items within each category in the order that I do them where logical (ironing after washing) or else the order of importance (calling for doctor's appointments before asking friends to come swim with us).

Item Four: Test drive the list.

This has taken two weeks so far, and it's still very much a work in progress. Each week, I re-evaluate and modify the list. My goal is to produce a master list masterpiece that will be the ultimate organizational tool and allow me to take over the world before returning home to a clean house that smells like homemade baklava (evil laughter and rubbing of palms).

In an interesting experiment, I have started marking the days that I do things on my list when I cross them off. I'm not sure how this will help me. Maybe my problem isn't the daily lists themselves, but the way I am asisgning the tasks to each day. Here's what I did this week and when:

Sunday:

• moved the contents of three bedrooms (one time job THANK HEAVEN)
• washed, dried, and put back the living room slipcover
• scrubbed down high chair and wash chair pad
• cleaned out bird cage
• stripped, washed, remade all beds
• washed upstairs bathroom towels and rugs
• did two other loads of laundry

Monday:

• picked up living room and dusted living room
• picked up and dusted dining room
• moved homeschool textbooks to laundry room, which will now be the school storage area
• dusted hall
• picked up Tyler's room
• dusted Tyler's room
• vacuumed all of the above
• cleaned the bottom shelf of Tyler's closet--it was my stuff; I was hijacking the extra space, but he needs it back now
• picked up and dusted laundry room
• organized the homeschool shelves
• swept and mopped the floors
• called around about preschools for Malcolm
• picked up and dusted master bedroom
• unpacked a box left over from move
• vacuumed master bedroom
• picked up and dusted nursery
• decluttered the toy box
• vacuumed nursery
• bought and sent gift card for a relative's birthday on the internet
• washed, dried, and put away five loads of laundry
• called to RSVP for a friend's party
• registered my car

Tuesday:

• scrubbed upstairs shower, sink, counters, and toilet
• wiped upstairs bathroom walls and moldings
• organized hair things
• scrubbed upstairs bathroom floors
• shined upstairs bathroom mirrors, glass, and fixtures
• same for downstairs bathroom, except for hair things
• organized stepsons' hair products and various toiletries in downstairs bathroom
• four loads of laundry washed, dried, folded, and put away

Wednesday:

• cleared landing of stuff--it's where everyone dumps things they are too lazy to carry up or down the stairs
• swept and mopped the tile half of the stairs. They are half tile and half carpet... hard to explain
• scrubbed kitchen counters and stove
• cleaned out refrigerator
• swept and mopped kitchen floors
• scrubbed sink
• polished refrigerator, glass, and fixtures
• one load of laundry, didn't fold or put away
• got car washed
• went grocery shopping
• sent in college transcript request, which required printing papers at the library because my printer is broken, then driving to the PO because I was out of stamps (sigh) how overcomplicated
• friends came over and went swimming
• one writing job done--a paying one :-)

Thursday:

• picked up and dusted family room
• vacuumed family room
• washed family room walls and moldings
• did two more loads of laundry, didn't fold or put away

Friday:

• worked on homeschool newsletter
• got email that writing job needs serious revisions, put it off
• called numerous people about homeschool newsletter stuff
• one load of laundry
• finally folded all that laundry I've been saving since Wednesday, but didn't get it put away
• went to grocery store

Saturday:

• husband decided to let me sleep in until 7:30; meanwhile, he also decided to let my daughter 'clean' the laundry room, which meant destroying several loads of laundry
• three loads of laundry
• washed and remade children's beds
• wrapped present for friend, helped kids make a birthday card, went to his birthday party
• went to Target for new keyboard for Tyler
• got about halfway through making next week's big weekly list
• continued working on newsletter
• noted amount of incomplete tasks from last week:41. Plus, there's still the revisions to make.
• contemplated whether I am just a total slacker, or if my life has truly grown beyond my ability to deal with it. Questioned my decision to stay home. Questioned my decision to homeschool. Questioned whether I want to start taking college classes. Questioned my ability to question my ability. Decided to make those daily lists after all because the weekly list implies that I do much less than I actually do.

I'm still test-driving this weekly list idea. Interestingly, I seem to accomplish quite the most on Mondays and then taper down to very low productivity at the end of the week. If this is because I am just more motivated, then I should come up with a way to increase morale after Wednesday. My gut feeling, however, is that I do the fastest tasks first and leave the more time-consuming stuff for later. I need to somehow squeeze in those last 41 items; they were all worthy pursuits. Yet I need my social life, in fact I need MORE social stuff, not LESS, so I don't want to cut anything there. Maybe I could cut back on daily tasks like cooking? but we do like eat. Hmmm.

I'll let you know when I figure it out.

How could life suck with all this cool stuff?

Today, I am being thankful for gadgets.

I don't have a lot of them because I have chosen to fill my house, my budget, and my life with children instead, but the ones I have are pretty darn nifty. I have a sandwich-pocket maker that makes the most awesome grilled cheese sandwich pockets ever. When you bite into them, the cheese explodes into your mouth in this oozy, comforting way. I love my hair straightening iron, too, although I rarely have time to use it. Ironically, my hair is already straight, but the straightener makes it silky smooth and... just better.

American life is full of nifty stuff. Diaper Genies were the bomb when I used disposables, which I now realize smell worse than cloth diapers. Martini shakers are awesome for any mixed drink, even if you aren't a martini person. Sponge mops and other non-disposable cleaning tools are a green mommy's best friend, since we are all too socially and environmentally responsible to use timesavers like Swiffers and cleaning wipes. Have you ever paused to consider how everyday things like nail clippers and tweezers are truly feats of genius and engineering?

So today I am going to look around my house at all my crap, and be glad I have that crap.

Just Call Me Mrs. Brady...

There was a time when Mrs. Hannigan was the only other blogger I knew.

I love blogs. It's the ultimate multi-tasking tool; I can keep a journal, give advice, maintain a huge social network, disseminate information and gossip about my household, even make money... all in one small entry a day.

Mrs. Hannigan loves to blog, too, so much that it's contagious. Literally. Blogging is now the rage in our little mommy circle. If you don't get a clear picture of Central Washington homeschool families from us, you can check out Mrs. Pevensie, Mrs. March, and about eight others whose blog names don't immediately come to mind. Yep, they are all 'Mrs', too.

Mrs. Hannigan seems to have started some sort of literary-mom-alias fad as well. Personally, I'd be a little annoyed if my friends chose Blue Mommy, Red Mommy, Green Mommy, Chartreuse Mommy (etc) for blogger names, but she is used to being a trendsetter. After all, I've been copying her by cloth diapering, and soon I'll be copying her by starting a co-op for preschool homeschoolers.

Which got me to thinking--blended families are under-represented in classical literature. The only mom I could come up with was Mrs. Brady, who isn't a literary figure unless you count this.

Cloth Diapering: An Epilogue

It's been over a month since my daughter and I made the complete switch to cloth diapers. Before, I used them when I was feeling guilty or short on cash. I didn't have the proper supplies or any kind of routine, so it all seemed like a giant pain in the tukhes. Surely, I thought, I can do more good by putting my energies elsewhere.

Of course, this was a big fat excuse and I knew it. Mrs. Hannigan makes cloth diapering look so dang easy, so when I found the basic supplies on sale at an internet boutique for less than $20, I put a portion of that month's diaper budget toward cloth.

By basic supplies, I mean as basic as you could get. I had enough diapers for a day, two velcro covers, and no pins. But we got through it, and soon it was routine. This month I bought some snappi fasteners, more diapers, and two adorable covers. Now it's like second nature, and the small pack of disposables I bought for when we leave the house sits virtually untouched. I still use a disposable at night, although now that I think about it, I'm not really sure why. That'll probably be the next habit to go.

So, for the last two months I spent the same on diapers as always. For the rest of Rachael's diaper-wearing career, I can use the diapers we already have and spend nothing. There is a bit more water and laundry soap used, but I off-set that by taking even shorter showers. I use only a tiny amount of detergent in diaper loads because I don't want any residue to irritate my baby's skin, so the financial impact there is minimal, especially if you are making your own detergent. And think of all the diapers we are keeping out of landfills! I get excited just thinking about it.

I called this an epilogue because it is the end of a story, a comedy about my love-hate relationship with cloth diapering. But really, it's a beginning. I'm hoping I can make this look as incredibly simple as it (usually) is and be someone else's Mrs. Hannigan.

MacGuyver Monday

From now on, Mondays at this blog are going to be MacGuyver Mondays, dedicated to creative and extreme reuse of materials.

This week's topic is plastic shopping bags. We all use cloth around here, right? But sometimes you stop in at a store and forget them in the car, or have a jerky clerk, or whatever. You get home with a ton of plastic, and throwing it away just seems wrong. Here are a few re-use options.

1. Save it for a garage sale.
2. Slip it into your diaper bag for a used diaper.
3. Cut into smaller pieces and use to wrap sandwiches (you'll need tape).
4. Take the bag back to the store the next time you go, and have them put your groceries in it once more.
5. Make clothing and purses. omg, did you see the octopus bag on that site? I am soooo making one.
6. Use as mini-trash bags for cleaning out litter boxes and other messes you want contained.
7. Crochet into a doormat.
8. Your idea here... just leave it in the comments.

If you have no use whatsoever for a plastic bag, you absolutely can have clerks put your groceries straight back into the cart, a la Costco.

A Few Thoughts on Pricey Oil

Imagine, in your head, a restaurant. It is owned by two people. They work hard, build the restaurant, and after a couple of years have built up one million per year in sales. The couple grosses a little more than eighty-thousand a year.

Not bad, right? It's a decent living, but not enough to imply that they are gouging prices or doing anything dishonest. I bet my hypothetical restaurant owners are good businesspeople and hard workers. I don't begrudge them their profit; eight percent is less than half a percent over the average profit for businesses.

So why are we all over oil companies with their similar margins? Because our politicians, in an attempt to take the pressure off themselves and the blame off our own shoulders, are eager to point fingers at the evil capitalists.

This is a result of the fair market system, said Elizabeth Edwards rather snarkily on Colbert Report tonight.

Right, we should totally go social like the Europeans. Look what it's done for their gas prices. Aren't they up to almost $10 a gallon now?

I hate it when politicians pander to class envy. They know the big bad oil guys aren't to blame, but they'll let you think that if it might buy them your vote. They think we're too stupid to see their deception, or too indifferent to care that we are being deceived in the first place. Attention candidates--if you can man up (there's no women left, so I can use this phrase) and look at the camera and say, there is very little oil left, and a huge demand, and it's no one's fault. It's a challenge we are going to have to deal with, and here's my plan... I will vote for you. I don't even care what your plan is.

My problem with getting government involved is this: governments never do anything right. Seriously, can anyone give me an example of a government, any government, running a program economically and well? The only examples I can think of off-hand involve the government backing off and letting free enterprise take over. Giving them control over oil will be a move in the wrong direction--away from American $4 per gallon gas and toward European $9 a gallon gas.

In my opinion, for what it is worth, the best thing they can do for us is to keep us safe, provide necessary safety nets, and let us adapt to less oil and higher prices however we must. Most people I know are making really positive changes to deal with the rise in oil prices. People are carpooling, taking public transportation, walking, or staying home. (clap, clap, clap). Yay, us.

If I can't afford to eat out whenever I want, it isn't the restaurant owners' fault. If I can't afford to drive wherever and whenever I want, it isn't the oil companies' fault. It isn't the government's fault either. Part of being an adult is knowing that I won't always get what I want.

Things That Don't Suck: My Husband

I am still a little (maybe more than a little) ticked off about the birthday fiasco. In an attempt to just get over it, I am going to post all the things I love about my dh. If life doesn't suck as much as I thought, maybe marriage doesn't either.

1. He likes kids. He doesn't just tolerate them; he really genuinely likes them.

2. He is a hard worker who takes his job very seriously. So far this has meant a relatively comfortable life for all of us, and I am thankful for that as well.

3. He used to be a single dad, which means that he realizes on some level how hard it is to do my job. He may not help or be particularly supportive, but he knows.

4. He has never done anything that might land us on a cheesy talk show, like: cheating, beating me, drunk driving, etc.

5. He only pouts for a few minutes when I tell him he absolutely cannot buy those red leather shoes unless they are a present for his grandfather.

6. He treats my son from a past marriage like his own. Which is not *always* a good thing, but usually is pretty cool.

7. He's good at guy stuff, like pool maintenance, yard care, changing oil, etc. So I don't have to be.

8. He's not a cocky jerk the way many white men are. That is, he doesn't think he is inherently better than women, non-whites, etc. He was my first long-term relationship with someone who was entirely Caucasian, because I am so done with that mentality.

9. He puts up with my environmental mania even though he thinks it's all hoo-ey. He might not want to hang out laundry, make homemade organic cleaners, and garden, but if I want to... whatever.

10. He's amazed by how frugal I am. He brags about it, in fact. He'll let me go on and on about how I got 30 packages of hot dogs for free. And then he'll eat the hot dogs for a week and a half without whining. (Of course, he really likes hot dogs.)

The Revolutionaries Will Be Homeschooled

John Taylor Gatto was named New York City Teacher of the Year on three separate occasions.

The climax of his career came when he shocked the country and publicly announced he was quitting in the OP-ED section of the Wall Street Journal in 1991.

All while still holding the title of "New York State Teacher of the Year," stating he was "no longer willing to hurt children".

How was he hurting them?

Wordless Wednesday

Because I Love to Hear the Sound of My Own Voice!

I was really excited about becoming a Suite101 writer, but I haven’t exactly had a ton of time to write. When I received a notice this Sunday warning me that I had just a few days to fulfill my writing quota for this quarter, I knew it was time to buckle down.

I had eight articles to write. But what could I possibly write about that hasn’t been so… done?

After a lot of deliberation, this is what I came up with:

Breastfeeding for Working Moms (Yes, I did this when my oldest was small.)
Cloth Diapering for Working Moms (Ditto, and I dealt with it as a childcare worker as well)
A Royal Tea Party for Your Favorite Princess
When Your Child Is in the Emergency Room
Organizing Your Preschooler’s Bedroom
Finding Fabulous Freebies
From Frump to Fab in Four Easy Steps

I wrote an article entitled 'When Is Your Child Ready to Wean?' that somehow turned to gobbledy-gook when transferred from Word to the web. It'll be fixed and back up in a few hours and I'll pass on the link then.

I have two older articles as well, one on Morning Routines and one on Childcare for Work-at-Home Mothers. So if you ever find yourself wanting more of Emily Marshall’s opinions in your life, you know where to turn. Those quotas just keep coming, so the articles will too!

I get a lot of hits on my articles, but almost no ad revenue. Anyone know whassup with that and how to fix it?

My Super Sweet 31

As far as birthdays go, this one wasn't exactly a bomb. It wasn't great either, but it was just sufficient enough that I feel guilty about being so t-ed off about it.

Phone calls: 0
Presents: 0
Cards: 2, both generic type cards bought by my husband at the grocery store that day when he was there for something else
Dinner: Kentucky Fried Chicken. Did I mention I don't really like KFC? The extra crispy breasts are decent if I have no other choices, but my dh always buys original and all dark meat. I don't trust the gravy, so I ate a biscuit with "buttery spread" and a little mac and cheese. I always wonder what that "buttery spread" actually is, since I'm sure they would call it margarine or butter if they legally could. Maybe it's made of steroids, because I gained four pounds. No kidding. Even if the chicken had been super delicious, I have given up meat for a few months for a big long novena I'm involved in.

So, here's a rundown of my day. We awoke early, went to church with the kids, then came home and changed. DH had to run to the store. He took two of the kids and was gone fffooorrreevvveeerrr. So there was hope, I thought, because he could have fit an extra errand in there. I mean, he went to the store around the corner, was gone an hour and a half, and came home with bread.

I took Grace to the farmer's market where I witnessed a woman with one baby--just one--being assisted with said baby by no less than four family members. I vaguely know her, and I bet she gets a lot of help. She's the type who expects to be catered to. And I hate her for it (not for expecting the help, but for actually getting the help; that's unforgiveable). My family is in another state, and my husband wouldn't even go with me. He thinks he is doing me a favor by keeping the baby, who was sleeping.

He made a big deal that I shouldn't worry about making dinner. In our house, I am the only one who makes dinner EVER, the only one who cleans EVER, the only one who does laundry EVER. Even on my birthday. So I thought he had something up his sleeve. I was thinking maybe he would take me out to this new-ish Indian restaurant I've been wanting to visit.

Grace needed a swimsuit, and we're particular about them because I don't want my baby girl looking like a hoochie, like everyone's daughters seem to nowadays we have modesty issues. So I took her to Costco, where all the swimsuits were either too small or bikinis, then to two cheaper stores, and finally to Macy's. There, we found the ugliest darn swimsuit I have ever seen, but it's a modest-enough one piece that my daughter will wear because it has Hannah Montana across the front in metallic gold. And it was on clearance.

When I arrived home, my older stepson was there visiting, the one we usually pay for babysitting. This supported my theory that I was going out. Six o-clock rolled around and I asked my husband if I should make something for dinner. He said no, that he was picking something up. He left.

I was a little disappointed not to be getting away from the kids for the first time since last September (!!!yes, it has been THAT LONG!!). But whatever. There are a lot of good restaurants out there. Okay, let me rephrase that: there are a lot of edible restaurants. This is, after all, still Yakima.

So, he came home with the KFC, and we ate and then I opened my cards, and that was it. Happy Birthday. He went to bed early because he was too tired to watch TV with me after... whatever he did yesterday.

Did you know KFC for my family costs like $50? It only adds to the pain.

I'm not really upset about the birthday itself. In my family, birthdays just aren't a big deal. My husband, on the other hand, makes a huge issue of his birthdays. He was all crabby this year because he knew what he was getting (he had to know, because it was a ski pass). He's gotten mad at me for making cards--he has this thing for Hallmark, like if you really really love someone, you will only buy them a namebrand card.

Neither of my cards was Hallmark, of course.

I can't help but feel that this is not just a birthday, but a symptom of something larger. I feel like I am disappearing, like I have become a utilitarian object whose greatest attribute is that I perform well and don't give anyone problems. It makes me wish I was a bitchy, demanding type who wouldn't go to the farmer's market without an entourage, who would get mad at my husband for buying the wrong handbag or a sweater not in my size. At least someone who didn't sit down and pick at their KFC and tell their husband thank you. But I'm not that woman. And maybe I should buy my own present, but I tried that last year and it didn't cheer me up any.

So that's my birthday, folks. Hardly worth an MTV reality show; barely worth a Cymbalta commercial.

Green TV?

In case you don't have it, there's a new network on television dedicated to green living called Planet Green.

In theory, I think it's a good idea. In theory. I was really enthusiastic about it, but due to my crazy life was not able to sit down and watch it until last weekend.

First, there was a talk show. It was kind of all over the place, and they kept bringing up Al Gore. My stance on Al Gore is that I'll start caring what he says when he starts hanging out his laundry, or having one of his underpaid third-world housekeepers do it for him. Anyone can write a book telling other people how to live their lives, but as long as the author lives in a giant house, drives an SUV, and flies a private jet all over the country, I refuse to consider them an expert on green living.

Okay, but a lot of environmentalists embrace the hypocrite. Whatever. Then there was a show on green eating. They were talking about... pineapple.

Pineapple is a green food if you live in Hawaii or Costa Rica. Otherwise, it has to be transported thousands of miles before it makes it to your fruit salsa. Considering that more energy is used transporting our food from field to factory to supermarket than transporting our giant American butts in our giant American SUV's from home to work and wherever else we go, it is very irresponsible to recommend pineapple as a green food. I won't even get into the environmental repurcussions of clearing rain forest to raise fields of tropical fruits, or the effect of agribusiness on third world economies. Nope, I'll leave it alone, and just say that pineapple is not a green food.

Planet Green=commercial tool.

A Help Meet for Him

Here is something that really annoys me, being the nitpicker that I am: the term 'helpmeet'.

Here is why: I hate it when people purposely misinterpret the Bible for their own gain.

The phrase is from Genesis, where Adam is bestowed with a 'help meet for him'.

The Old English word 'meet' means worthy or appropriate. So, God was giving Adam a worthy helper. I'd like to think that, millennia later, I am a worthy helper to many people, including my husband.

Unfortunately, this, like many Bible verses, gets twisted around and turned into an excuse to subjugate women. A popular book with this mistranslation in its title advocates that women be totally submissive to and supportive of their husbands. If you explore the author's website, you can find instances where they advocate hitting four-month-old babies with sticks and recommend that wives remain with husbands who molest their children.

If you know any Jewish women, you may have noticed that they don't take crap from anyone. There is a rich Biblical tradition of this attitude.

For example, when Abigail's first husband almost gets them killed, she defies him and in effect saves their clan from slaughter at the hands of the army he was antagonizing.

Would she have helped him more by submitting to his stupidity and allowing their entire family to be slaughtered? Apparently many people think so. They think the Bible says this... somewhere. I don't know. I don't get it.

My husband and I disagree on many things. Sometimes I give in (like whether we should be 100% vegetarian). Sometimes I don't (like whether our kids really need well child visits). I think making all the decisions for a family is a huge responsibility and that I wouldn't be a help meet for him if I kept my mouth shut when I had wisdom to offer.

They Still Suck...

I was talking to a few mommy friends today and somehow our doctors came up.

(because the other mommies all have the same first name, I'll just call them A, B, and C)

"I don't know what's up with my doctor," said Mommy A. "I have to call and call and call just to get a routine appointment. And the office staff is so freakin' rude."

"Mine too," said Mommy B. "And they arbitrarily changed my doctor, then made me call eight thousand times to change back."

"My doctor's office is frustrating like that," I told them. "And I've told the doctor about it, and he's like (nonchalant shrug)."

"I still think I win," said Mommy A. "When I call on Mondays to make an appointment, they tell me to call back next Monday. Ad infinitum."

"Mine, too! But even though it's only 8:01, they tell me the doctor's full and that I have to call back next week because they only schedule two weeks ahead starting Monday. But if that's true, how can they be full on Monday morning at 8:01?"

This was starting to sound familiar. "Where do you guys go?"

"CWFM." But they said the actual practice. Name withheld to protect the guilty.

All of us are dealing with the same drama at the same practice, except for Mommy C, who doesn't see doctors at all because she's sick of this shizz. And I'm totally with her on that, except that my kids keep getting these emergency illnesses.

Why is it so hard to find sensibly run medical care in this town? It's not like I am a charity case; I'm paying cash here and I just want to see a doctor without stroking out from frustration. I'm polite, courteous, and when I worked, I was careful not to give people the run-around and subject them to a lot of arbitrary garbage. I want the same in return, thank you. And when those receptionists and schedulers are gigantic jerks, I smile and speak calmly, even when my eyes are filling up with tears because I feel so powerless and exasperated by the whole convoluted process. I mean, they are withholding health care from an infant FOR NO GOOD REASON and I keep my polite, inside voice.

That should count for something.

A few friends of mine see Dr. B., who is supposedly "mmkay" (that's a quote) although "her waiting room looks like a crackhead convention and I sit there wondering if I'm the only pregnant chick in Yakima who's over fifteen and has all their teeth" (another quote, word for word).

I always think I'm the only one at CWFM who speaks English as a first language. Although, I can't be, because Mommies A and B go there.

What do you guys think? Is a cool doctor worth the crappy treatment from his underlings?

Sometimes Good People Can Disagree (?)

Okay, friends. I have a dirty little secret, and I hope you don't hate me when you find out what it is.

I believe in evolution.

I thought you're a Christian????...

And I am. Many mainstream Christians and mainstream Christian churches believe in evolution to some degree. There are many different kinds of evolution, many evolutionary theories. I don't want to get into a philosophical argument or bring anyone over to my side. My vision of God is big enough to include Him possibly creating creatures capable of changing and growing with their environment. And that's all I'm gonna say on the topic.

I feel like a traitor to my beliefs sometimes, because most homeschoolers stand on the other side of that ideological chasm. I don't want to cause trouble. I don't want to debate. I've read their books and I still believe what I believe. I could never trust in a God who would try to trick me by making the world look older and more potentially diverse than it is. God seems, well, nicer than that, at least the Guy I talk to every day. But most homeschoolers won't let you join in their reindeer games if they see your bright shiny red scientifically modern nose. So I nod and smile when they tell me about the latest cool curriculum they found. I say nothing when they laugh about dinosaurs--you know, those fictional creatures.

Last year, my then eleven-year-old almost lost his religion entirely because several adults in his life presented religion and science as an either/or proposition. Thanks, guys. We talked it through, and my future physicist is still shaky in his faith.

That's okay, because I don't think adults should have to lie about what they believe. They had every right to share their thoughts. I wish I had the same luxury.

It came up again today at a play group. It always comes up. sigh And I kept my mouth shut. Part of me pats myself on the back for being so gracious; part of me feels like a big fat liar.

When Are You Going to Quit Nursing That Baby?

It's a question I hear more and more as Rachael's first birthday fades into the past.

My father-in-law was visiting our family as Rachael and I prepared to fly to Colorado to visit my son. He was telling me horror stories of flying with babies--the horror being listening to other people's infants wail for several hours.

"I've heard it helps if the mom breastfeeds while the plane is taking off. Rachael's way too old for that, of course..."

No comment.

I used to be judgmental about nursing older children. Not because I didn't think it was good for them--it just seemed gross. I associated it with the more common trend of late potty training and thought the parents were trying to keep their kids babies too long. My oldest son nursed until six months, when I developed physical problems that forced me to wean. My next child, a daughter, nursed for eleven months before she started biting hard enough to draw blood at every feeding (ouch!). And then there was Malcolm.

Malcolm was a good nurser and a picky eater. He was very baby-ish, and liked to be cuddled. It isn't that I meant to nurse him well past his second birthday; I was merely waiting for him to be 'ready'. That readiness came a few months after he turned two. I potty trained him and weaned him at the same time, and it was incredibly easy because he was ready for both.

I'm not big on nursing in public, but I'm sure it caused whispers on the rare occasion I did. Malcolm has always been a tall, slender boy, and it probably looked like I was breastfeeding a kindergartener or strangling him with a dinosaur-print receiving blanket.

Fast forward a few years. My youngest is 13 months and shows no signs of wanting to wean. And why should I? She's a little underweight, so yanking a calorie-rich and nutritionally complete food from her diet is counter-intuitive. When I look at her, I see a baby, not a toddler or a preschooler. And breastmilk is the ideal food for babies, right?

How did 1 become the magic weaning age, anyway? We yank our babies off formula or breastmilk when they are still growing like crazy, and on top of that have increasing caloric needs due to increased physical activity. They are bald little babies, with just a few teeth, barely walking, communicating in grunts and wails--and we take their healthiest food away because the sun has circled the earth once since they were born?

A few vegetarian meals for this week...

As many of you know, my family eats local during warm weather months. Here are a few of this week's yummier dinners. Some are Northwest-specific, as we have a late growing season and are about 3 weeks behind the rest of the country.

Vegetable tempura with brown rice, cherries on the side
Zucchini quesadillas with tomato salsa
Whole wheat spaghetti with marinara, grilled veggies like asparagus and zucchini in sauce
Vegetable quiche with brown rice crust
Vegetable pizza

Eating locally is getting a little easier as the market stalls swell with items other than our area's trademark early crops: asparagus and blueberries. Both are good, but don't comprise any kind of balanced diet. Right now we are in the vegetable phase that my dear husband so dislikes, but melon season is approaching.

Not so Wordless Wednesday--Clean House

All day, I clean. I mean, I do other things--parenting, homeschooling, cooking, going to doctor's appointments, shopping, writing, and sometimes actual working, like for money--but, really, they are just divertissements between the main acts of my life, which are Cleaning and Cleaning.

And you'd never know it to look at my house. It being Wordless Wednesday and all, I should throw up a few candid photos, but I'm too embarrassed, so let me give you a very wordy tour.

Kitchen: table covered with mail, sink stacked with dishes from last night's dinner.
Dining room: floor needs vacuumed due to various food particles, table is sticky, chairs just look grimy, birdseed on ground by parakeet's cage.
Living room: Slipcover is dirty (I swear that's chocolate and not what it looks like), load of laundry on 'reading' chair, bucket'o'markers emptied on floor, stack of boxes in corner with hand-me-downs to be mailed to relatives in another country as soon as I pick up and fill out the customs forms.
Tyler's room: bed stripped, my suitcase from trip to Colorado on his bed waiting to be unpacked, another three loads of laundry on top of suitcase waiting to be folded and put away.
Bathroom A: discarded clothing and towels all over floor, various health and beauty products on counter.
Laundry room: looks like it was hit by an avalanche of clothing, crafts, and broken toys
Landing: floor is clear, but the decorative furniture is stacked with crap stuff waiting to be put away on another floor.
Stairs: need vacuumed badly, need stain treated and steamed even worse, dingy walls, sticky banister, chipped paint at base where the baby gate has worn it away.
Family room: need vacuumed, stain treated, and steamed; furniture needs dusted, movies and dvds out of cases litter floor by entertainment center, one picture grouping is missing a picture, Tyler's television is sitting on the pool table, box of hand-me-downs for Grace under foosball table.
Master bedroom: worse than all the other rooms put together
Petar's room: not my problem, he's old enough to clean his own @#$%ing room and if he thinks changing his sheets once every year or two is sufficient, he can just sleep in his own cooties.
Bathroom B: toilet needs scrubbed inside and out, sink has a layer of crusted toothpaste, counter is covered with stepson's hair product, rugs and mats are visibly worn, hair dye stains on wall and cabinet (also from stepson, I don't do Miss Clairol thank-you-very-much).
Younger kids' room: beds unmade, toothpaste stains on floor and furniture (don't ask), writing on one of the walls, toys all over floor, folded laundry on dresser tops where it is virtually guaranteed to be knocked off onto the floor.
Minivan: so filled with papers and miscellaneous junk that I need to deal with that it's hard to fit my three children in the back. Could use a wash, too.
Yard: littered with toys, lawn needs mowed, beds need weeded and replanted.

Granted, it's been a difficult few weeks. Houseguests, sick kids, traveling out of state, a birthday party, and now some female problems that I will spare you details of because it would just be TMI. Still, I have to ask, at what point does a valid reason become an excuse? I am a neat freak, but you would never know it from looking around this hovel.

You would never know that today I:

• thoroughly picked up and dusted the living room and dining room
• sorted and dealt with yesterday's mail
• paid a few bills
• talked to doctor's medical assistant about something I forgot to ask about at yesterday's appointment
• cleaned out the refrigerator
• took out trash
• remembered to pull the trash to the curb
• updated my website
• did three loads of laundry
• hung out and took down same three loads
• folded four loads of laundry
• planned and executed three meals
• emptied dish drainer
• oh, and cared for three small children.

And it's not even four o'clock.

Anyway, this is why I sometimes flop on the couch and watch Clean House even though my own house itself desperately needs cleaned. Because I want to see what it looks like when people don't clean their homes, just to know that it isn't identical to what it looks like when people clean constantly.